Letter to the Other Woman

As I write this I am clear on several things that you both chose to hurt other people (wife, kids, and family). How could you not know others are hurting when I reached out (even confronted) and told you so. To top it off you Justified yourself/yourselves! Another fact is that you cared less about hurting people and you are cold selfish. You think you know my husband but let me tell you – you only knew what he chose to tell you (you knew the outer shell that he shares with the world which has no foundation) not his true self. Me and my kids got that – his true self. We got the good, bad, and the ugly – you got the fantasy (THE ADDICTION)!! You own that – not me! You were never Just Friends with my husband!

You were never a friend to my husband’s marriage relationship or his family!!! Friends do not act the way you both have!! Homewreckers are not friends of any marriage or family!!

I know that my husband became this angry man and took his anger out on me and used you (Joycelin Saveena Shalini G (Galleli) Lyke, soon to have another surname Pinto) as the way to hurt me. His anger was directed at me because of his own stress with school (accreditation issues) and being around others that were angry at school and work, his issues with porn and abusive behavior, along with our son having teenage issues.  He was rarely home and never helped with anything around the house or with the kids.  His wife (ME)took on the male role of cleaning the yard, handy man, light bulb changer – I did those things out of respect to relieve his stress and busy schedule.  He never helped with the kids – he gave our daughter her first bath at 3 years old (after I caught him having an affair with you).  My husband was hanging out with angry people, liars and cheaters – he turned into what he was hanging around at school and at work. You, Joycelin, told me to get a job – so you believe because I do not get a paycheck for staying home raising my kids and taking care of all aspects of a home that that is not a job. You’re right it is not a job, it is a career and a thankless one at that!!   Before you judge my life why don’t you have your own babies rather than try to steal someone else’s.  It’s obvious that you have no respect for mothers/women and our choice career – our families.  Not to mention you have no respect for men since you cheat and lie (even by omission) to them all, too!  My guess is that that is how you were raised!!  You even had the nerve to ask my husband to buy you new tires back in January 2004, just over a week after my miscarriage on Christmas Day 2003 (I have you on tape asking him and he did not even respond to your wants – remember, when my husabnd sat there with you at the tire store).  You would take money away from my family’s food bill and during a time of despair – you are a divorced/single working Nurse with no kids, making great money – how dare you even ask!!  You would not even stop contacting my husband – even when he told you to stop calling.  He transferred from Cobb Hospital (Austell, Georgia) to get away from you!!  You chased my husband and our phone records would prove that in any court of law.  I dare you to prove me wrong.  You are a vampire!!

My husband, The Prodigal Son – the only person in his family to go beyond a high school diploma. Lets see my husbands degrees are Doctor of Chiropractic (99-03), double Masters (04-05,), AS Registered Nursing degree (04-05), and in between all these degrees he received 2 Bachelors, and many Certifications, plus AS degree Registered Respiratory Therapy in 1997.  Guess who helped him stay organized – yup that’s right his wife.  I helped him with all his presentations – I was his secretary while giving birth/breastfeeding and raising our kids and taking care of our home and trying to finish my own degrees and developing a home business.  I was always home for my husband and catered to him when he was home.  You Joycelin had your own agenda for my husband.  Not only did you both work together but you were his patient at clinic.  His last month of clinic (October 2003) you were there twice a week, far more than any other previous months – I have the copies of all your visits to clinic.  You chased my husband every way you could.  He told me you always called him, even when he told you to stop calling,  and our phone records prove that.  He caught you lying to him about your other boyfriend, Scott, (yet another co-worker you were lying to) at the same time you were professing your love to my husband.  The saying is true “Those that cheat with you will cheat on you”.  In the last 5 years how many guys did you tell “I Love You” too?  I will bet it was at least 4 to 5 guys – maybe more!!   You are a piece of work.

No spouse deserves to be betrayed, gaslighted, and lied too - having multiple d-days, is abuse towards me (his wife), and family – who deserves that?!! He re-wrote our history to justify himself. He doesn’t remember hardly anything he has done and is defensive of his actions – which leaves me crying defending myself against how he makes me feel inside? There hasn’t been one dry day for me since the beginning of 2004 – Healing hasn’t even started for me! That I know is a fact. Another fact, is that my husband never wanted a divorce otherwise he would have filed himself.  He tells me he does not want a divorce and he refused to acknowledge divorce papers at the court house when I filed on March 14, 2007.  He made sure he was not working his scheduled shift at the hospital when the Sheriff came to serve him.  He has always told me he loves me, which is why we married, and told you what you wanted to hear (he strung you along – having his cake and eating it too; sitting on the fence – watching) to escape his anger. His reason for the affair he said was a midlife crisis – what ever that means!! He can’t completely explain it himself!!! He uses the analogy of alcohol addiction to his affair with you – he has told me you could have been anyone to fill the addiction!! I never knew my husband to be such a coward until all this – this leaves me feeling abandoned and carrying the cross for 5 people (myself, husband & 3 kids). The weight is unbearable at times – you hold on tighter to GOD during life’s trials, just like Job (pronounced JOBE)!! Fact is my husband did this to himself and brought his wife, kids, and family down with him. Another fact, is that you (Joycelin) can’t blame my husband for anything because you chose to believe all the lies and you are a willing participant – you need to look only at yourself for the “WHY” answers of how you allowed a married man to use you for almost 5 years!!!

GUILT + SHAME does not mean there is REMORSE.

You, Joycelin, need tons of counseling! I believe you have lying issues and dating issues (deceiving others). I believe you are a very dishonest person and will lie your way through life until you get help. You date more than one guy at a time and deceive them because they believe your charm (damsel-in-distress) stringing them along. Listening to a married man talk behind his wife’s back is cruel to the unknowing wife! I will never get in the middle of such a betrayal. When I was single and dating I was always upfront about going out with others (honesty is the only way to meet the right person which leaves no unanswered questions) – dating does not require lying – that is why is it called dating. You will never have a rock foundation based on lies -ever!! You need to put yourself in the shoes of betrayed spouse to see the right side of this! Marriage is not based on lies – and will crumble with lies!! There is never justification for what you have done – never! This is your cross to carry!!

Dating unavailable men (married or partnered) is just wrong no matter how you justify your excuse to hurt others and/or what they tell you - there is a commitment and a responsibility to someone else!!! I do not believe it just happens because you both made a conscience choice, knowing full well that my husband is not available – period. Dating a man that is separated is wrong – they are still unavailable and on the re-bound. My husband and I never separated until I his lies, deceit, and gaslighting started effecting me once I found out about his affair with you. He never willingly left the house – but he always had a free place to stay at your house, eh!! I deserve better than a liar and cheater and so do my kids!! He would run to you (his plan B – second choice) while trying to have his cake with me, telling me what ever I wanted to hear!! Stupid me (No – you told me I was an IDIOT once that’s right) for wanting to believe my own husband!! Just a little advise to you – you never date anyone that is separated, divorcing, or just ending a relationship – not unless you want to be the re-bound!! Going after married men at work is stupid – not even dogs shit where they eat from!!! In fact, it is not called dating if the man/woman is not available, it is called having an affair - Period. Being friends with an unavailable person of the opposite sex is wrong if the wife does not know and is not included in the friendship – that includes personal phone calls and time alone together. There should never be private conversations, coffee, lunches, or anything that the spouse is not invited to join – ever – Period!! There should never be any secrets from the wife about any friendships – ever – Period!! That is adultery, an affair, cheating, infidelity; what ever you want to call it – it is what it is – period!! Infidelity is ABUSE in itself!!! There are boundaries that one should never cross!! Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!! Again, this is your cross to carry!!

I believe you brought on your own shame in your life and you can’t blame anyone else for it. Having an affair with a married man with kids was strictly your own doing – no one forced you. Hurting me and my kids is of your own doing – you chose to ignore and justified yourself. That is your cross to carry!!

When you put your head down on your pillow your choices will weigh on your mind penetrating to your soul!! You will always remember what you have done to yourself and innocent people. You were never a victim you were the co-conspirator. Once again this is your cross to carry.

In closure, I will always hold you and my husband responsible – not hostage. I will try to view you as a very very flawed person with a weak character and zero boundaries. You are not who you try to portray yourself as. I will always want to live being real! I will always choose Honesty! I will learn How to Forgive Your Enemies .

I hope you find your way in life and Christ heals you.

Other related writings:

I Blame Them Both

My Husband’s Apology Letter to our Families

The Unremorseful Other Woman

The Affair You Don’t Know You’re Having

WebMD Feature from “Redbook” Magazine

By Heather Johnson Durocher

An e-mail here, a smile there. Maybe that “innocent” friendship with your guy friend isn’t so innocent after all….

I’ll call him John.

The first time we met, he actually struck me as a bit arrogant. He irritated me enough that I mentioned him to my husband in a “Can you believe this guy?” kind of way. But I interacted with John only occasionally, always through work and mostly over e-mail, so it wasn’t a huge deal. He’s just one of those people who gets under my skin, I told myself.

But a little over a year into our working relationship, something changed. One day, John let down his guard with me and I responded, I suppose in part because I couldn’t help but be curious about his mostly hidden soft side. Our conversations turned to easy banter and later — I have a hard time admitting this even now — flirtation. Our e-mails, which could number several in one day, never included outright expressions of affection toward each other. Instead, our notes were mostly business peppered with friendly sparring. We shared a similar sense of humor. I felt that he got me.

I told myself I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I had to talk with this guy for work, after all. And couldn’t I have a friend who happened to be male? I also told my husband about him, even sharing when we’d meet for coffee or lunch (always scheduled with the intention of discussing business). My husband, busy with a demanding job, trusted me completely.

In the midst of working part-time and caring for a preschooler, a toddler, and, later, a new baby, e-mailing and talking with John felt like an innocent escape. I never would have said at the time that I was in a bad marriage — my husband and I got along well; we just didn’t have a lot of quality alone time together — and I had no intention of crossing any physical line. But I increasingly found myself sharing more and more of my hopes and dreams with John instead of just with my husband. I anticipated my regular interactions with John in a way that was all too consuming. And it was John — not my husband — who was beginning to fill a key emotional need in my life. I was, in fact, unknowingly cheating on my husband; I was having an emotional affair.

More Than Just Friends

The signs of an emotional affair may be more subtle than those of a sexual affair, but they’re just as unmistakable. “An emotional affair happens when you put the bulk of your emotions into the hands of somebody outside of your marriage,” explains psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman, author of Emotional Infidelity. It’s not so much that you’re not talking with your husband — there’s always stuff to discuss, thanks to kids and mortgages — but you’re not sharing with him. Your innermost thoughts, funny jokes, and interesting personal experiences are saved up and spilled to the other guy instead of your spouse. And even if you never so much as touch him, this emotional attachment has just as much potential as a sexual fling to damage your marriage. “We only have so much emotional energy; the more of it we spend outside of our marriage, the less we have inside our marriage,” says Neuman. “And after a while, we simply do not have enough emotions and love and caring and time for both.”

While emotional affairs are not a totally new phenomenon — the late Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., wrote about them in her groundbreaking 2003 book, NOT “Just Friends” — experts agree that they’re on the rise. “Emotional affairs are happening more often because so many of us feel emotionally isolated,” says relationship expert Steven Stosny, Ph.D., coauthor of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Whether it’s because of our demanding jobs and packed schedules or the hours we spend on the Internet instead of with our families, friends, and communities, we’ve become increasingly distanced both physically and emotionally from other people, including our spouses. And when we’re not regularly sharing our lives and feelings with those close to us, we ultimately begin to feel thatthey’ve stopped caring. “This feeling of emotional detachment plants the seeds for an emotional affair,” says Stosny, “because when you feel emotionally detached from your husband, you are faced with a choice — either to improve the bond you share with him or to look elsewhere to get your needs met.” And working to improve your marriage is just that: work — work that’s a lot less alluring than a little special attention from someone new.

That’s where the affair partner comes in. Having another guy turn his focus onto you, even if only in friendship, can be dangerously seductive. I can attest to that firsthand: When I started my relationship with John, I wasn’t even aware of the resentment I felt toward my husband over the long hours he spent away from me and our kids at his job. To complicate matters, I was grappling with my sense of self. I second-guessed my new roles as a wife and mother: Was I being the best parent I could be by only working part-time from home? Should I work more so I could help our family’s finances? Or scrap the job thing altogether and more fully embrace this precious time with my children? What about my hobbies and interests? What was it again that I liked to do anyway?

Enter John: a guy who understood what I did for a living and made me laugh wholeheartedly. When I spoke with him, I felt smart and beautiful, sexy even, because he respected what I had to say and engaged me in intense and stimulating conversation. It wasn’t that my husband wasn’t able to do these things; he’d provided all that and more, especially during our early years together. But as time wore on, we were simply so mired in caring for our kids and making sure the bills were paid that our emotional connection waned. John didn’t know me as a wife or mother, but simply as a woman. He was someone who reminded me of the person I used to be — and perhaps hoped to find again.

An emotional affair also offers the thrill of the forbidden without crossing any physical lines. “You know it’s wrong, that it’s taboo,” says Stosny. “That’s what makes it provocative and rousing.” When Rebecca Smith,* a 39-year-old mother of two from Annapolis, MD, began regularly e-mailing with her friend Lyle, her youngest child had just started kindergarten and her husband was working longer hours. Exchanging e-mails with Lyle was a welcome diversion, not only because it filled her downtime but because their often silly, sometimes sexually charged notes were a far cry from her conversations with her husband. “My husband can be kind of negative, and Lyle has a more optimistic outlook on life. We often had these sparring conversations. It was intellectually stimulating for me,” she says. “And the more we e-mailed, the more I found myself magnetized to him and fantasizing about what my life would be like if we were together.”

Too Close for Comfort

Once you’re drawn into an emotional affair, it can feel so good that you don’t want to stop. In fact, not having sex may make the connection seem all the more powerful. It feels genuine, romantic even, and isn’t easy to let go of because it’s so “safe” — or so it appears. But inevitably, you start unfairly comparing your husband to this other man, says Neuman, which compounds the damage. “You don’t have the stresses of everyday life together, so the new guy can be very humorous, very cute, and very giving,” he says. “You go back to your spouse and you’re comparing him to this guy in pieces: He’ll never be as handsome as this guy or as funny as this guy or as giving as this guy.” While emotional affairs rarely break up couples, they can leave a marriage torn and tattered. “The affair saps so much emotional energy and core values away from your relationship,” says Stosny, “that you’ll undoubtedly feel guilty and irritable and blame your husband for these bad feelings.”

Another sure sign your “innocent” friendship has gotten out of control: You would be embarrassed for your husband to witness your interactions or to know what you are thinking about when you’re with this other guy. And once you start keeping secrets, even “innocent” ones, your intimacy with your main man suffers even more. Toni Richards, 40, a mother of four from Wiley, TX, who had an emotional affair with a former coworker, says that as she grew closer to Bobby, she began to flat-out avoid her husband. “I wasn’t even sleeping in the same bed as my husband. In a sense, I didn’t want to be next to him because I worried he would know that something was going on, that I would say something in my sleep,” she says. “I started pulling away from him and I didn’t talk to him as much.”

And of course, with every emotionally engaging or sexually charged conversation or e-mail, phone call, or meeting, taking your affair to the physical level becomes the obvious (though by no means inevitable) next step. “The longer you continue an emotional affair, the greater the chance it will become physical,” says Stosny. The first time Bobby asked Toni to meet him for dinner, which meant she had to lie to her husband about where she was going after work, she agreed. “We didn’t kiss, but we held hands and sat next to each other — closer than friends should be sitting,” she says. In a matter of weeks, she knew that Bobby was ready to get physical. After wrestling internally with the idea of being with him — and realizing that she didn’t want things to go down that path — she decided to break off the connection with Bobby entirely. “It was a hard choice, but I still loved my husband and didn’t want to ruin my marriage any more than I already had,” she says.

Getting Out

Even after you’ve recognized your emotional affair and the damage it’s causing your marriage, slamming on the brakes is easier said than done. Says Stosny, “Many emotional affairs turn almost obsessive simply because you never had sex to consummate your fantasies.” It took months for Rebecca to tear herself away from Lyle, even after her husband came across an e-mail from Lyle and called her out on their too friendly exchange. He demanded that she show him all of her e-mails with Lyle, which she did, and asked her to stop talking with him. She agreed, but secretly maintained contact. As time went on, though, she says, “I became riddled with guilt and grew increasingly aware of how my time and energy spent on Lyle was taking away from my family, from myself. But I couldn’t help myself.” In fact, she still hasn’t completely cut ties with Lyle. “We still e-mail now and again,” she says. “I’m just more guarded with him.”

As tough as it is, quitting the relationship cold turkey is the best way to move past an emotional affair for real and for good. “Setting boundaries for continued contact will only raise the taboo level and, along with it, the excitement, the obsessions, and the motivation,” says Stosny.

The aftermath of an emotional affair can have an upside: “Failing your own values can make you more committed to them in the future,” says Stosny. So consider the experience a wake-up call to what is missing not only in your relationship but also within yourself. “I realized that if I can’t talk to my husband the way I talk to Bobby, then there’s a big problem that I need to fix first in my marriage,” says Toni. And while Stosny and Neuman say it’s not imperative that you admit your affair to your husband — in fact, you may even hurt him needlessly by doing so — some women don’t feel like they can fully move on unless they come clean. After she cut things off with Bobby, Toni opted to tell her husband about the situation. “He was hurt that I’d been sharing personal thoughts with another man,” she says, “but he was mostly relieved that nothing physical had happened.” The couple is in the midst of trying to find a marital counselor, and Toni is hopeful she can rebuild her marriage.

Severing your connection to the other man — whether or not you ever tell your husband about him — is only step one. You also need to funnel all the energy you were putting into your affair back into your marriage. And while setting aside more time to spend with each other — away from kids and other couples — is important for patching things up and maintaining intimacy in your marriage, it’s just as crucial to adopt a new attitude toward your guy. “Emotional connection is a mental state,” says Stosny. “You choose to feel connected to your husband. You decide to be loving and compassionate toward him. You will feel emotionally bonded and sexually stimulated with your husband because you’ve committed yourself and all your positive energies to him — and he’ll definitely pick up on the vibes you’re giving off.”

Nurturing your relationship is the emergency care it needs to heal. But for long-term marital health, you also need to nurture yourself. Trying out a new hobby, getting involved in your community, or tapping into your spiritual side can help you recover from — and prevent you from having — an emotional affair. “When you have more interests in your life, you have less of a desire to find something exciting and taboo to intrigue you,” says Stosny. “Plus, you’ll lead a richer, fuller life with less emotionally needy gaps.” After cooling things down with Lyle, Rebecca decided to refocus those energies on her guy and the other people close to her. “I can’t expect that my husband is going to meet every emotional need in my life, so I’m reaching out to my girlfriends and spending more time with my family.” She also recently signed up for a handwriting-analysis class, something she’s always been interested in learning about, “just for fun and to get my mind on something else,” she says.

For me, my emotional involvement with John ebbed and flowed for nearly two years. It reached a tipping point when I could no longer ignore the fact that my husband and I were fighting more often, no doubt in part because of my refusal to focus on my marriage and on how my own actions were adding to our growing friction. Like Toni, I eventually decided to share my struggle with my husband, who handled it with incredible grace. The conversation wasn’t only about me turning to someone else; we also spoke, perhaps for the first time, about what we really expected and needed from each other. It’s a discussion that continues to evolve between us. I still think about John sometimes — and how my relationship with him could have destroyed everything I hold dear. Each day, I make a conscious decision to nurture my bond with my husband first and foremost. And as our relationship grows stronger, I realize I’m getting as good as I give.

82% of affairs happen with someone who was at first “just a friend,” according to noted infidelity researcher Shirley P. Glass.

Are you in an Emotional Affair?

YOU’VE PROBABLY CROSSED THE LINE IF YOU…

• Touch your male friend in “legal” ways, like picking lint off his blazer.
• Pay extra attention to how you look before you see him. -
• Think crush-like thoughts like, He’d love this song!
• Tell him more details about your day than you do your partner.
• No longer feel comfortable telling your husband about this person and begin to cover up your relationship.
• Experience increasing sexual tension; you admit your attraction to him but also insist to yourself that you would never act on it.

IT’S ABOUT TO GET PHYSICAL WHEN YOU…

• Find yourself feeling vulnerable and turn to the other man for support rather than to your husband or a trusted relative or girlfriend.
• Accelerate the level of intimacy through sexual or suggestive talk over e-mail or the phone.
• Put yourself in a situation where the two of you could be alone.

TO FORTIFY YOUR MARRIAGE…

• Stay honest with your husband. Share with him all your hopes, triumphs, and failures — as well as your attractions and temptations, which will help keep you from acting on them.
• Make time for just the two of you on a regular basis — away from the kids, your friends, and family.
• Surround yourself with happily married friends who don’t believe in fooling around. Having positive, emotionally connected role models will help you stay on track

“READERS REVEAL I KNEW I’D GONE TOO FAR WHEN. . .”

“The guy who I was flirting with regularly over e-mail attended the same event as me and my fiancé. When I introduced them, my face flushed as red as a tomato — I felt embarrassed and guilty about my fiancé meeting this guy, so I knew what I was doing was wrong.” — Carolyn, 31, Westfield, NJ

“One drunken night, my best guy friend and I confessed we had always liked each other. He was a perfect gentleman and left my place before we crossed the physical line. The next day I was completely embarrassed and knew that I didn’t want to jeopardize the relationship with my boyfriend so I ended the friendship. And now the boyfriend is my husband, so I’m glad I did.” — Allie, 29, Yonkers, NY

“The cute tech guy who I’d been flirting with at my office said to me, ‘You’re not going to invite me in?’ after I accepted a ride home from him. I liked the attention of him buying me vending machine snacks and complimenting me, but my husband would’ve had a holy heart attack if he knew.” — Amy, 38, Chicago

“My best guy friend and I were snuggled on his couch underneath a blanket when I realized that neither his girlfriend nor my boyfriend would be happy if they saw us — and that our platonic relationship wasn’t as platonic as we thought.” — Kim, 35, New Orleans

*Names have been changed.

The Movie “FireProof” Youtube Trailor

A MUST SEE MOVIE!!

About FIREPROOF

At work, inside burning buildings, Capt. Caleb Holt lives by the old firefighter’s adage: Never leave your partner behind. At home, in the cooling embers of his marriage, he lives by his own rules.

Growing up, Catherine Holt always dreamed of marrying a loving, brave firefighter…just like her daddy. Now, after seven years of marriage, Catherine wonders when she stopped being “good enough” for her husband.

Regular arguments over jobs, finances, housework, and outside interests have readied them both to move on to something with more sparks.

As the couple prepares to enter divorce proceedings, Caleb’s father challenges his son to commit to a 40-day experiment: “The Love Dare.” Wondering if it’s even worth the effort, Caleb agrees-for his father’s sake more than for his marriage. When Caleb discovers the book’s daily challenges are tied into his parents’ newfound faith, his already limited interest is further dampened.

While trying to stay true to his promise, Caleb becomes frustrated time and again. He finally asks his father, “How am I supposed to show love to somebody who constantly rejects me?”

When his father explains that this is the love Christ shows to us, Caleb makes a life-changing commitment to love God. And with God’s help he begins to understand what it means to truly love his wife.

But is it too late to fireproof his marriage? His job is to rescue others. Now Caleb Holt is ready to face his toughest job ever…rescuing his wife’s heart.

Click here to read more about the movie.

“The Love Dare” book is available at any bookstore and can be ordered online.

Everything You Know About Affairs Is Wrong

“Once a cheater, always a cheater.” “People cheat when they’re unhappy at home.” “If your spouse cheats, you’ll know.” We’ve all heard these bits of conventional wisdom; they’re comforting, in a strange way.

By Dana Hudepohl

But they’re all wrong, say the experts who study infidelity. What’s worse, believing these myths can do a lot of harm, because it gets in the way of your preventing, spotting and recovering from infidelity. (Yes, recovering — contrary to popular belief, an affair doesn’t have to destroy a marriage.) We’ve unraveled the latest research so you can protect your relationship with the facts.

Myth 1 : There’s a “cheater” profile.

The reality: With the right trigger circumstances, anyone is susceptible to cheating. “There are as many different profiles as there are people who have affairs,” says Douglas Snyder, Ph.D., a couples therapist and a professor of psychology at Texas A&M University. Yet the myth persists that there’s a recognizable “type” of person who’s unfaithful. That’s why it took Linda Mitchell, 43, a personal trainer in Monroe, OH, by such surprise when she found out her first husband was having an affair. “He never did anything to lead me to think he would cheat,” she says. “He’d bring me flowers, tell me how beautiful I was and what a great wife I was. We even had sex every day.”

While some people are chronic philanderers, it’s more common to unintentionally wind up in an affair. “People who have accidental affairs have no thoughts of being unfaithful,” says Snyder. “It’s not even consistent with their values system, but the opportunity presents itself.” Maybe a coworker hits on you during a business trip when you’ve had too much wine, or your cute handyman compliments you when you’re getting over a fight with your husband.

“Here’s the best way to prevent affairs: Rather than saying, ‘We will never have one,’ instead think of the kind of person, situation and mood that would make you vulnerable,” says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., a marital therapist and author of Getting It Right This Time: How to Create a Loving and Lasting Marriage. Maybe you’re so nurturing that you’d be vulnerable helping a neighbor whose wife just died, while your fun-loving sister would be susceptible during a trip to Las Vegas. It may feel contrived or scary, but having this tough conversation with your husband can help you both recognize chancy situations and be on guard.

You can also stay in safe territory with friends of the opposite sex by not confiding personal things, like airing complaints about your spouse, and not keeping anything about those friendships secret. “You know you’ve crossed a line if you don’t want your spouse to know about whatever you’re talking about with this person,” says Tina Pittman Wagers, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist and instructor at the University of Colorado at Boulder. “If it starts feeling like that, then you need to pull back and reestablish closeness with your spouse.”

Myth 2: It’s men who cheat.

The reality: While baby-boomer men do cheat more, women in their 20s and 30s have affairs just as frequently as men their age, according to new research. One reason: More women are working. When you have a job, you’ve got more financial freedom, which could make you more comfortable taking a gamble with your marriage. You also have opportunity; around 46 percent of women and 62 percent of men who have affairs cheat with someone from work.

And there’s another phenomenon at play: As more women cheat, more women cheat. “Women rate knowing someone who’s had an affair as one of the primary considerations in beginning their own affair,” says Wagers. “It normalizes infidelity, just like adolescents are more likely to try drugs or alcohol when their friends are doing it.”

But don’t freak out if a friend has an affair — that doesn’t mean it’s only a matter of time for you. Use this scary development as an opportunity to talk honestly to your partner about your fears and even your fantasies. It’s okay for you both to acknowledge attractions to other people — lust is part of human nature, says Wagers — as long as you don’t act on them.

Myth 3: Long-term boredom leads to an affair.

The reality: Michael, 34, a lawyer in Tampa, says his wife started having an affair before the couple’s two-year anniversary. “I never, ever thought that would happen,” says Michael. Yet the so-called honeymoon period is actually a high-risk time for infidelity. “More people have affairs the first two years of marriage than any other time,” says McCarthy. Women may experiment with a comparison affair: Would I be better off with this guy? Did I make a mistake in marrying my spouse? Men, on the other hand, are likely to cheat for reasons that have nothing to do with their marriage. Thanks to their upbringing or their circle of friends, they may believe that’s just what guys do.

An early affair may be just a last fling that a couple can work through, but it’s more likely a wake-up call to a spouse that his or her partner has a fundamentally different model of monogamy, says Wagers. Still, newlywed affairs don’t have to spell doom. If both partners decide that they want to give their union another shot, it’s important to figure out what factors contributed to the affair and whether there’s any hope for changing them.

Myth 4: An affair may not end a marriage — but it will ruin it.

The reality: It only feels that way in the immediate aftermath. The majority of betrayed spouses experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, including nightmares, flashbacks and vacillation between depression, anxiety and anger. “It feels so awful that the betrayed spouse has a hard time believing the marriage is ever going to work,” says Wagers.

But with time and effort, it’s possible to renew communication, trust and intimacy. “Trust is built day by day, behavior by behavior,” explains Wagers, noting that it can take at least a year for many couples to heal. “It’s a long, grueling process.” But at least two out of three couples who enter therapy after an affair are able to preserve their marriages. “Many couples not only survive, they thrive,” says Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author ofAfter the Affair. “They learn to be more intimately connected, and they go on to have a better marriage.” That’s why in the months after an affair, experts say that couples shouldn’t rush to hire a lawyer but instead should make an appointment with a therapist who’s experienced at helping couples recover from infidelity (find one at aamft.org), attend an infidelity workshop or go on a marriage retreat (find one that’s right for you atsmartmarriages.com).

Most people wrongly assume that talking about the details of the affair will only create more upset, but it’s actually the path to rebuilding intimacy. It gives both partners a chance to figure out what they can learn from the affair, it lets the unfaithful partner express empathy for the pain he or she caused, and it gives the injured partner a chance to communicate what he or she needs to feel okay again. “You really need to feel you know each other inside and out,” says Wagers. “When you have an affair, you build a wall between yourself and your partner, so to heal you have to tear that wall down.”

Myth 5: A man is driven to infidelity when he’s not happy in his marriage.

The reality: It’s true that the majority of women who’ve had an affair reported being physically and emotionally disengaged from their spouses for at least a year before the affair. But more than half of men involved in affairs reported being happy or very happy in their marriages prior to cheating, according to a survey by the late Shirley Glass, Ph.D., noted infidelity researcher and author of NOT “Just Friends.” Lots of other factors weigh into a guy’s decision to start an affair, including chemistry, opportunity and poor impulse control. “I counseled a couple where the husband’s younger coworker made a pass at him when they were at a conference and he accepted,” says Wagers. “Even though he felt close to his wife and he felt like he had a good marriage, he was excited and flattered that this woman who was 15 years younger found him attractive.”

Many cheaters do blame their actions on a less-than-perfect home life, but researchers say they’re just rewriting history. “Often times these are retrospective reports that are now having to justify how it is that the partner violated vows,” says Snyder. Granted, lots of cheaters are unhappy on some level in their marriages. But so are many men and women who don’t have affairs. “Infidelity isn’t the only road,” says Wagers. “If you’re not satisfied in your marriage, you might also be driven to talk to your partner.” That’s why therapists say it’s so important to stay in touch with each other. For you, that might mean setting aside 20 minutes every night to talk about your day, your differences and your dreams. “It’s the whole idea of staying close to your spouse,” says Wagers. “The more disconnected you get from the relationship, the easier it is to slide down the slippery slope of infidelity.”

Myth 6: Adulterers find lasting happiness with their affair partners.

The reality: No matter how blissful they feel, affair pairings rarely get to happily ever after. A whopping 75 percent of affair partners who marry end up divorced. For one thing, the qualities that attract you to an affair partner — like impulsiveness or extravagance — might be the polar opposite of what makes you happy long-term. And during affairs, lovers are under the spell of chemical changes in their bodies that make them feel euphoric and sexually supercharged — feelings that are exaggerated even more by the secrets they’re keeping. They’re in a type of fantasy world, focusing only on each other and not getting bogged down in day-to-day stuff like bills and child rearing. “Somebody may seem like a soul mate when it’s all fresh and shiny,” says Wagers. “But you can’t assume the new-car smell is going to last 15 years.”

Myth 7: Betrayed spouses know on some level when their partners are fooling around.

The reality: In many cases, the betrayed spouse is totally in the dark. “A lot of cheating partners are really invested in keeping this secret and are very good at lying,” says Wagers. So true, says Dayle DeCillo, 39, a mother of five in Mission Viejo, CA, who had zero suspicion that her husband of 11 years was unfaithful — until she discovered him with another woman. “I was blindsided,” she says. “He was a paramedic and firefighter, and was gone a lot, either ‘working’ or ‘working out.’ I was never concerned he wasn’t where he said he was.”

DeCillo simply made the same assumptions most people do: You assume you’re trustworthy and your spouse is, too. The possibility that he could stray isn’t even on your mind, so you don’t get suspicious if he says he has to work late or go on a golf trip with his buddies. Usually it’s not until the affair is out in the open that the betrayed spouse can go back and give new meaning to history.

It’s also common after an affair is exposed for the betrayed spouse to feel like he or she is facing a new truth: You never can be sure whether your partner will cheat. In reality, it’s a truth that was there all along.

1. Be each other’s number one confidant. You shouldn’t be sharing private thoughts with others that you’re not sharing with your spouse.

2. Make time to connect on a regular basis. Daily moments of connection help you build a sense of togetherness and shared purpose.

3. Don’t let family time squeeze out just-the-two-of-you time. Marriages that are too child-centered are at high risk for an affair.

4. Recognize when you’re temporarily attracted to someone else. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your relationship — or that you have to act on it.

5. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and your marriage. If you’re ever tempted and don’t feel like you can tell your spouse, you’ll have someone else to confide in who will steer you straight. And if one of you does stray, you’ll have a strong support network to help you put your marriage back together.

The Unremorseful Other Woman

I found this old email that I sent my husband’s other woman after I left my him for serval months in 2006.  My husband was abusive during his affair. We had just found out we were expecting a baby (funny how mistress’ believe their married lover is not having sex with their wife – it’s in the manual).  I caught my husband lying to me about contact with his dirty secret, TOW (The Other Woman).  Anyone that has been cheated on knows this sorry excuse.  I moved from Kennesaw, Georgia to Clinton Township, MI.  My daughter and pregnant me stayed at my brother’s with his wife and family.   While staying with my brother’s in Michigan I received our cell bill and found incoming calls from his dirty secret – she is pursuing my husband.  Well I decided since she cares less about staying away from my husband – the wife (me) proceeded to send his dirty secret an article about mistress’.  My husband denied her calling him (then why is her number incoming on your cell bill. hahaha)  and wanted us to come home – no way was I going home to a lying cheating abusive husband.  He had just transferred to another hospital to get away from his paramour.   He would drive up there to schmooze me to come home once or twice a month.  I was gone for most of my pregnacy.  Below is the email I sent her and below that is her reponse.  I guess she did not like the truth.  How many times did my husband tell you to get lost?  He must have because I alway found you calling him first on our phone bills.  He told me how you called him crying.  The damsel in distress arn’t you – deperate to get married!  Some damsel when you had other guys you were messing around with.  It is a matter of time before you cheat on your new husband.

The Times January 17, 2006 Times2
Memo to all mistresses (stop fooling yourself: he’ll never leave his wife)
Single, older women spell trouble for a man. In an extract from his new book, times2’s Microwave Man explains why
It’s true that I always seem to end up with women much younger than me, but women of my age are either married or mad. What drives them mad? What comes first? The bleak aura of bitter martyrdom? Or the bleak odour of cats? The chances are that if a reasonably attractive woman is single by her late thirties/early forties, then it is because at some point in the past she has hitched herself to a married man. It is quite amazing just how many otherwise sane, intelligent and self-aware women fall into this trap. What’s even more amazing is that they are then capable of maintaining the most extreme self-deception for years and years on end. (Of course, once you have the cats, you really are in trouble, caught in a Catch-22. You can’t get rid of them just because your love life picks up, but your love life is never going to pick up if you smell of cat wee. And, trust me, you will smell of cat wee.) Women who go through this process are ruined. No other man will want them
because it will have reduced them to pitiful, bitter, angry, depressed, shrunken versions of the woman they once were, and could still have been. Besides, they won’t want other men: some part of them never quite lets go of the hope — the belief — that, one day, he will come back to her (and stay longer than one night and some of the next morning). The fact that this happens to so many women surely gives the lie to all that bullshit about women being the superior, smarter, multi-tasking version of men. And the smarter the woman, the more likely she is to fall into the trap. It’s not just women’s sensitivity and innate romantic inclination that is their undoing. She believes in herself so firmly that she finds it impossible to see how any man in his right mind couldn’t fall for her. And it’s about competition. Women, by and large, don’t have football, or darts, or video games to help them to blow off steam. As a result, they can’t just shag somebody else’s husband; they
have to try to take him away from her. How many men do you know who have put their lives on hold in the hope that a married woman they are shagging will give up her hearth and home to be with them? That’s right, none. Because men, generally, have PlayStations. Men will never do this. They don’t have the patience, or the attention span (except for video games). A woman, on the other hand, is prepared to wait it out, to lay siege. She knows it won’t happen overnight so she gets in emotional supplies, a pile of weepy movies and microwave popcorn (and perhaps a self-help book or two) and digs in on the perimeter of the chosen man’s life. She has her friends to support her, but soon they get put off by the whiff of self-pity and the endless self-deception — not to mention the tedious, one-track conversations. The man’s not innocent, of course. He leads her on, of course; throws her scraps to feed the fantasy. He likes that when he turns up she is never up to her elbows in
dirty dishes, never exhausted after a hard day and half asleep on the sofa, never in the middle of changing the bag in the Hoover or helping one of the kids with their bloody homework and never handing him the dog’s lead as he walks in. He likes that he can walk in and, if he feels like it (and he almost always does feel like it, because, let’s face it, that’s why he is there in the first place), lift her dress, pull her sexy panties to one side and do it hard and fast right there in the hallway, up against the wall, without any libido-sapping bikes or school bags or bloody dogs in his line of sight to put him off his stroke. And then, if he wants to rush away immediately afterwards, leaving her flushed and panting, to run back, wracked by guilt and self-loathing, to his wife and family, he can. He likes that too. And she, refusing to understand or recognise the guilt and self-loathing that rises in him even faster than the sap he has just expended, likes it too, because
this is what she insists — to her own ruin — on mistakenly identifying as his unrestrainedly animal passion for her. And if you are one of these women, here’s a flash that (who knows?) might even be vivid enough to shock you out of your sleep-walking state. Are you ready? Are you sitting down? Got enough biscuits? Okay, here it is: he will happily screw you but that doesn’t mean that he likes you very much. Physically, he probably doesn’t even find you that attractive (this won’t stop him wanting to shag you). He might even be embarrassed to be seen in public with you. Mentally, ditto. Personality, likewise. Well, I’m sorry, but I thought it best that you knew. For such a man, almost the worst aspect of his fear of being found out is the moment his wife claps eyes on her non-rival — and the extreme, weird depth of his perverse extramarital excursion is exposed in all its plain-Jane entirety. Most women would breathe a sigh of relief if they could see their “competitors”,
and realise they are no more a rival than a blow-up doll would be. Perhaps less. But, actually, they wouldn’t. Like the women who are being screwed and who convince themselves that they are irresistible, the cheated-upon wives insist, perversely, on being convinced that there is something about the other woman that sets her above them, something that she has or does that makes her more attractive to their man than them. There isn’t. If there was, he would leave his wife for her. All the other woman has that the wife can never have is that she isn ’t his wife, his symbol of containment and of a closed-off, finished life. The other woman is, simply and crudely, a door left ajar, through which he almost certainly has no intention of passing. She is somebody different to shag, where the need to do so is driven not by an uncontrollably rampant libido but by a deeply located fear that This Is All There Is, the end of the line, and that the next stop can be only death. A
woman has childbirth to sustain her. This, or even the notion of this, links her, mentally and physically, to the future. The child in her mind, in her womb, at her breast, at her feet, blocks the very possibility of the one question that sets men and women apart: what’s it all for? For a man committed emotionally and intellectually to one woman, that single question starts to bang away like a drum — softly at first but gradually louder and louder. Sex with other women, he comes to feel, is all that stands between him and the grave and the general and widely ignored futility of the human condition. Men see this futility clearer than women because their lives are more obviously futile. That’s why so many of them top themselves, for no apparent reason. For a man, an affair is, almost always, nothing to do with the woman involved. It’s not really anything to do with sex, either. It ’s about life and death. And that’s it, nothing more or less. I do hope we’re buying this.
It’s regarded as a terribly empty and insulting platitude, but when a man utters the cliche “it meant nothing to me”, he means it, completely.. Women refuse to accept this, perhaps because they can’t imagine being in that situation themselves without some form of emotional attachment, but a man is more than capable of having repeated, regular, illicit sex — risking losing the woman he loves and the family they have spawned — with someone he can, quite possibly, barely stand to be around. And you, sitting at home waiting for the call, keeping your weekends free in case he manages to escape one Saturday like he always promises he will but never quite manages to, you should know this: that it is quite probable that he doesn’t even like you very much. I mean, would you treat a friend the way he’s treated you? What turns him on is the power he has over you, the illicit nature of the relationship and the way it has of stopping him thinking about tomorrow.
What sustains you through all those long, lonely, anxious, jealousy-riddled nights is the thought of the future you might, one day, have together. But can’t you see now how that’s never going to work? If he really cared about you, do you think he could bear to see you suffer? That’s why he always goes back to his wife. He loves her, and he couldn’t bear to see her suffer. Your suffering, however — no problem. He doesn’t set out to be cruel, but sooner or later he will tell her he loves her (because, after a while, it just gets embarrassing if you don’t) and, once she starts putting on the pressure, he will say almost anything to forestall the dawning of reality. He is torn because although he can see that he is becoming everything to this woman (and he, of course, has absolutely no intention of leaving his wife and family), part of him has become addicted to the snatched, sordid, heavy-breathing sex and the endless, filthy e-mails and text messages that bring him to
the boil when he is sitting at his desk and should be concentrating on whatever it is someone is paying him to concentrate on. And he is attracted to the danger because it makes him feel alive. The Other Woman is, of course, always a willing co-conspirator in her own downfall. Tough, grown-up, educated, discerning and smart in every other area of her life, she becomes a helpless, malleable, gullible dunderhead who will believe any transparent lie rather than accept that the world view she has constructed is nothing more than a fantasy, and that she, to her married man, is nothing more than a fantasy. And so on and on she drones to her friends . . How do I know all this? How do you think? And let me take this opportunity right now to say . . . sorry, but what the hell did you expect? Men know women like this on sight. They can recognise them. At work, in bars, passing on the street, reading self-help books on the Tube and hanging around wistfully in the tumbleweed-blown
sections of bookshops everywhere. The bitter aura of their disappointment clings to them like a noxious gas; the underlying fairytale that, despite all she has suffered and should have learnt from, there will be a happy ending, clanks at her feet like a rusty ball and chain. Men can smell it and hear it and they avoid them like the walking dead because there is nothing less attractive than a woman who has so utterly and obsessively surrendered herself. What a sad sight is the Other Woman. At times (usually the times when she’s hit the Pernod and cranked up the Dido) it seems that her only friend is the cat. And then, just the other day, as I glanced in irritation at my mobile phone, and the text message telling me that my expected Saturday morning dalliance was off, it suddenly occurred to me. I am the Other Woman. Well, the Other Man, obviously. But it got me thinking. What is the difference between me and the popular stereotype above, and should I start reading
self-help books with such titles as Why All Women Are Bastards — and How to Get One of Your Own? The first thing, I suppose, is a question of quantity over quality. I have had one or two (OK, four or five) relationships with happily married/boyfriended women (occasionally, more or less simultaneously), and I suppose the effect of this has been to dilute my emotional and/or physical reliance on any one of them. And then I haven’t exactly been moping around, polishing my nails and preening my bikini line, waiting for any of them to leave their partners. One of the drawbacks of being the male equivalent of The Other Woman is that one doesn’t get showered with chocolates, jewellery and flowers. On the other hand, there are no empty promises sought, or given, about her leaving him once the kids are grown up. (And a heads-up for the sisters here: it should be a red light with klaxons, bells and slaps around the face for any woman whose lover claims to be staying with his wife
solely for the kids. It is almost certainly rubbish and you are, as the rest of us already know, merely a bit on the side. And if it is true, then he’s not right in the head. Anyone that dependent on his children for his own happiness is heading for disillusion. Don’t go there with him.) Love, as the great and tragically under-rated psychosexual philosopher and poet-balladeer Belinda Carlisle once observed, is a big scary animal. How very true. And it’s a big scary animal that requires constant feeding. Rather like Tiddles. If you insist on climbing into the cage with the beast, be prepared to feed it often, or it will start feeding on you. And if love doesn’t get you, Tiddles surely will. Lose the cat. And the wee-soaked litter tray.
© Jonathan Gornall 2006 Extracted from Microwave Man, to be published by Penguin on January 26 at £7.99. Available from Time Books First for £7.59 with free p&p, 0870 1608080.

So, I get this nasty response from my husband’s dirty secret.  I get blamed by the Other Woman for contacting her while she is screwing around with my husband or trying too anyway.  The only time I’ve ever been nasty with her or my husband was/is when I would catch them in contact.  I never started any conversation nasty with her until she became self-righteous.  I have no other reason to contact her if she was not having an affair with my husband.  His mistress never apolozied to me once – why because she did not care about me and my husbands kids.  She cared less that I was hurting as did my husband at the time.  Now that my husband is no loger in the affair he refers to her as a whore.  It is not unusual for someone once out of the affair to see their affair partner as a co-conspititor to the damage of a marriage.  My husband had a happy marriage until he started his affair in march of 2003 then he changed into a monster.

Re: The Times January 17, 200

6

Sunday, May 28, 2006 10:14 PM

From:

“Joycelin Lyke” <Joycelin.Lyke@wellstar.org>

To: webhhweb

Colleen,

I’m tired of you trying to blame me for your shortcomings. I do not appreciate you sending me hate mails. I will not stand being harrassed by an idiot like you. Find another hobby coz I’ve had enough of your foolishness. Try getting a job. That would definetly help you spend your time more productively.  You are the most miserable woman I have come across in my entire life.  You call yourself a smart woman as compared to me, then act like one. Stop sending me junk mails or contacting me in any way.  I have nothing to do with you or James. So leave me alone.

Joycelin

My shortcomng – oh yes, we all have them especially when you are fucking my husband.  My shortcomings is called justified angry.  Ask your Priest about adultery and justified anger.  Oh I don’t just blame you, I blame my husband too.  After all you are a co-conspiritor in the break-down of my marriage.  My husband and I as a couple had no strife before his affair with you which lead to his porn addiction, among other things.  Find a hobby – well I have many – now I write about infidelity because it is part of my marriage history and you are the intruder.  Miserable people lie, cheat, and steal.  You both had other choices.  You never once thought of how your affair hurt and destroyed a family.  Shame to you and the kids you have one day – if you have any.  My husband isn’t the only guy you pursued – looking for someone to marry you.  You lied to all your poor male victims.  You’re a liar to family and friends.  You will end up cheating on your new husband in hard times – his poor heart.  Your commitment only runs so deep.  You have no respect for marriage(s) and that makes you not a friend to any marriage.  You can fool people but in the end you will stand alone to answer for yourself.  My job has always been my family.  How dare you judge me while you had an affair with my husband.

Date: Sun, 28 May 2006 22:59:15 -0700 (PDT)

From: H Webster
Subject: Re: The Times January 17, 2006
To: Joycelin Lyke <Joycelin.Lyke@wellstar.org>

What did I hit a sore spot with you that you feel justified in calling me names when you are the whore that has zero morals and values for marriage.  You get a life because you had no business being in mine to begin with.

_____________________

Date: Sun, 28 May 2006 23:04:25 -0700 (PDT)
From: H Webster
Subject: by the way
To: joycelin.lyke@wellstar.org

I do have a great job.  The best one!!  I’m the mother of Jimmy’s kids.  Something you will never be!!!!!

_____________________

Yet here is another email I sent her when I once again found her New Cell number on our phone bill.  This time she change her cell number.  Hoping for what – who knows.  You are a real piece of work. And this was not the last time she has tried contacting my husband.

please stop

Saturday, November 17, 2007 4:32 PM

From:

“H Webster”

To: joycelin.lyke@wellstar.org

I called you yesterday because I wanted to understand why you are trying to contact my husband after he has told you not to contact him ever again.  I don’t understand why you do not respect him!

My husband made a choice to be with me (his wife).  He did not stay for the kids, I will not stay married to him if it is just for the kids and he knows this.  I do not hold him prisoner, if he wanted to continue with you he had to let me go.  It is not right or Christian to lie and deceive people.  Me and my kids have been though enough trauma because of you both, but my husband is responsible for his part and is helping me heal.

If you are his friend you need to respect his wishes and stop contacting him.  Going behind my back to make contact is cruel at best.  Real friends do not forsake others and friends are not based on lies and secrecy to deceive others.

Please move on with your life and seek counseling for yourself.  People that get involved in affairs truly have personal issues and injuries that go beyond the affair, otherwise you would have never had one to begin with.  I hope you find peace and forgiveness some day through Christ Our Lord.

Other Readings:

Letter To The Other Woman

I Blame Them Both

My Husband’s Apology Letter to out Families

How Will We Love?

My Husband’s Apology Letter to our Families

The best way to write an apology letter to your loved ones should be handwritten.  A handwritten letter makes it personal.  Emailing or typing apology letters is very impersonal – family is never a business transaction.

 Handwritten version of this letter

January 14, 2009

I want to apologize to everyone in my family and Colleen’s for the affair I had which started back in March 2003, one year before Colleen asked me for a divorce. I would like to apologize to Colleen for blaming her for it unjustly. Colleen never did anything to deserve my having an affair. After I was caught, Colleen reacted due to the stress and insecurity of my continued affair and the lies I told her to cover up more lies, my own selfishness. She was blindsided by my lies and affair and especially hurt because I brought Gisele around my affair partner. I had told people that I thought Colleen was bipolar because of how she had reacted. In truth, she has been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder which was caused by my affair and constant lying. My behavior was abusive towards her. Her negative but justified reactions to my continued affair made it easy for me to justify my having the affair. I laid the blame on her and our life at home. Sure, things were hard due to me being at school and work more than I was at home. Colleen was already depressed due to me always being gone and I felt that I was not appreciated for the hard work I was doing. I used this to play the martyr and actually believed I was right for feeling that way. I used this excuse again and again to justify having my affair and the more I told it , the more I believed it. Colleen tried everything to help our marriage that she could think of including marriage counseling which I went to reluctantly.  I used all the little problems in our marriage to excuse myself for what I was doing, which went back and forth for several years. It ended March 2nd, 2007 when Colleen caught me living at my affair partner’s house, after I had moved out and told Colleen I was living with my friend Tony. During all this time, I continued to tell Colleen that I love her and wanted to stay married and work on our problems.  We were in Christian marriage counseling at the time when she caught me again.  Colleen had enough of my selfishness and filed for divorce.  When family would ask me about what was happening, I would explain my side of the story to defend my actions and lied to you all by many omissions. It was much easier to blame someone else for what I was doing than to have to accept my own wrong doing.  Colleen had left me several times to go and be with family for security and safety. She never left the kids with anyone except Lou and Terri who watched Gisele for about a month.  Gisele and I stayed at Monica’s for 3 days during Thanksgiving 2004, not 3 months as rumored. This happened just two weeks after Colleen confronted me about my affair. During all of this, Colleen broke down many times and became severely depressed because of what I was doing to her. I was telling her one thing and doing the opposite. Even when things were at their worst, she still made sure Jon, Gisele and Louie were cared for. Colleen never had a drug problem or used drugs. Colleen never took vacations other than to stay with family, but I took several vacations with out her. She has never been a bad mother or wife. Having an affair is the worst solution to marriage problems and is one that sneaks up out of nowhere. I never talked to Colleen about our problems. Soon you are in so deep, you feel that it is probably easier to just give up than to try to go back and fix it. I am grateful that Colleen did not give up so easy. My actions have caused a lot of damage to Colleen and our family and will take a long time to repair. This is not a behavior that I learned from my family and I have no more excuses. The only person I can blame for all of this is myself. I am back in christian counseling and working through the causes of my problems. I hope everyone will forgive me and trust me again, especially Colleen.

Love, Jimmy

Other related writings:

Letter To The Other Woman

I Blame Them BOTH!!!

Advances in Couples Therapy Tackle Trauma of Infidelity

Advances in Couples Therapy Tackle Trauma of Infidelity

For couples troubled by infidelity, going for counseling has long been a gamble.

Getty Images 

A marriage counseling session takes place in Virginia.

While cheating is the biggest reason couples seek counseling — and the most commonly cited reason for breaking up — it is also the issue that therapists say they feel least-equipped to treat.

Now, therapists and counselors are developing new techniques that increase couples’ chances of arriving at the best possible outcome after an affair. In a special issue last month of The Family Journal, a scholarly journal, and a volume of 14 studies published last year, researchers are laying out proven methods to help couples troubled by infidelity, from easing individual spouses’ depression and despair, to enabling distressed couples to make peace and move on together.

One novel twist: Therapists are treating injured spouses like war casualties or hurricane victims, providing post-traumatic stress debriefings. They’ve also begun classifying affairs based on the underlying motive of the partner who strays — a factor in a marriage’s odds of survival.

“Infidelity is an incredibly hot topic” among couples and researchers alike, says Paul Peluso, editor of the recent research volumes and a program coordinator at Florida Atlantic University. As more therapists learn how to handle it, “really good improvements in the treatment” of troubled couples should ensue. Some 22% to 25% of men and 11% to 15% of women report to researchers that they’ve had extramarital sex — likely an underestimate, researchers say.

No therapist can help save a marriage if one partner refuses to work at it. But in many cases, wronged spouses fault therapists for failing to address cheating head-on. In a 2002 online survey of 1,083 spouses whose partners had cheated, a large majority of those who had sought counseling said their therapists failed to focus clearly enough on the affair, says Peggy Vaughan, an author and researcher who conducted the survey on her Web site, DearPeggy.com.

Suzy Brown, Kansas City, Mo., who runs divorce recovery workshops, says many couples emerge from therapy without having thoroughly discussed infidelity problems. Instead, some partners spend time “dancing around the surface stuff without getting down to why this was happening,” says Ms. Brown, who has started a Web site, midlifedivorcerecovery.com. Such problems are so complex that nearly half of couples who seek therapy see three or more therapists for help, Ms. Vaughan says.

Marital Resources

Some books and Web sites for help after cheating:

• DearPeggy.com, a Web site by author-researcher Peggy Vaughan
• “Getting Past the Affair,” co-written by Douglas Snyder
• “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” co-written by John Gottman

Counseling techniques for post-traumatic stress disorder include discussing facts about the trauma, the feelings and symptoms it caused and what it means to the victim. This process helps victims understand how to identify and control the emotional effects of the trauma in their day-to-day lives and decision-making.

The techniques can work well in marital therapy, says a study by Gerald Juhnke, a professor of counseling at the University of Texas, and others, because jilted spouses have some of the same symptoms as disaster or war victims. For example, they may have flashbacks to the moment the affair was discovered, or think a spouse is cheating again every time they’re home a little late from work.

In another insight, Emily M. Brown, an Arlington, Va., divorce mediator and therapist, has identified motives for affairs. Some types offer dim prospects for healing; the “exit affair,” for example, occurs when a partner has already decided to quit the marriage. Another kind of affair is called a “split-self” affair, which tends to happen when a spouse has over-emphasized the rational, responsible side of his or her personality for too long, at the expense of a more emotional, needy side. These affairs sometimes bring to light entrenched emotional problems in the betraying spouse that can’t be resolved in the marriage.

Other kinds of affairs offer more hope. Some partners have “conflict-avoidance” affairs as a way of forcing unspoken tensions and disputes out in the open. Others use an “intimacy-avoidance” affair to keep a loving spouse at a distance, Ms. Brown says. People with sexual addictions are another category.

An oft-missed truth, Ms. Vaughan says, is that a high proportion of marriages survive affairs — but it takes effort, time and talking it over.

Write to Sue Shellenbarger at sue.shellenbarger@wsj.com

Counselors treat trauma of infidelity

This is what I was diagnosed with PTSD due to my husband infidelity and abuse during his affair.  Good luck trying to find a marriage counselor here in Atlanta that knows what they are doing for a couple trying to survive.

Counselors treat trauma of infidelity
By Sue Shellenbarger
The Wall Street Journal
Tucson, Arizona | Published: 11.16.2008

advertisementFor couples troubled by infidelity, going for counseling has long been a gamble.
While cheating is the biggest reason couples seek counseling — and the most commonly cited reason for breaking up — it is also the issue that therapists say they feel least-equipped to treat.
Now, therapists and counselors are developing new techniques that increase couples’ chances of arriving at the best possible outcome after an affair. In a special issue last month of The Family Journal, a scholarly journal, and a volume of 14 studies published last year, researchers are laying out proven methods to help couples troubled by infidelity, from easing individual spouses’ depression and despair, to enabling distressed couples to make peace and move on together.

One novel twist: Therapists are treating injured spouses like war casualties or hurricane victims, providing post-traumatic stress debriefings. They’ve also begun classifying affairs based on the underlying motive of the partner who strays — a factor in a marriage’s odds of survival.

“Infidelity is an incredibly hot topic” among couples and researchers alike, says Paul Peluso, editor of the recent research volumes and a program coordinator at Florida Atlantic University. As more therapists learn how to handle it, “really good improvements in the treatment” of troubled couples should ensue. Some 22 percent to 25 percent of men and 11 percent to 15 percent of women report to researchers that they’ve had extramarital sex — likely an underestimate, researchers say.

No therapist can help save a marriage if one partner refuses to work at it. But in many cases, wronged spouses fault therapists for failing to address cheating head-on. In a 2002 online survey of 1,083 spouses whose partners had cheated, a large majority of those who had sought counseling said their therapists failed to focus clearly enough on the affair, says Peggy Vaughan, an author and researcher who conducted the survey on her Web site, dearpeggy.com.

Suzy Brown, Kansas City, Mo., who runs divorce-recovery workshops, says many couples emerge from therapy without having thoroughly discussed infidelity problems. Instead, some partners spend time “dancing around the surface stuff without getting down to why this was happening,” says Brown, who has started a Web site, midlifedivorcerecovery.com. Such problems are so complex that nearly half of couples who seek therapy see three or more therapists for help, Vaughan says.

Counseling techniques for post-traumatic stress disorder include discussing facts about the trauma, the feelings and symptoms it caused and what it means to the victim. This process helps victims understand how to identify and control the emotional effects of the trauma in their day-to-day lives and decision-making.

The techniques can work well in marital therapy, says a study by Gerald Juhnke, a professor of counseling at the University of Texas, and others, because jilted spouses have some of the same symptoms as disaster or war victims. For example, they may have flashbacks to the moment the affair was discovered, or think a spouse is cheating again every time they’re home a little late from work.

In another insight, Emily M. Brown, an Arlington, Va., divorce mediator and therapist, has identified motives for affairs. Some types offer dim prospects for healing; the “exit affair,” for example, occurs when a partner has already decided to quit the marriage.

Another kind of affair is called a “split-self” affair, which tends to happen when a spouse has overemphasized the rational, responsible side of his or her personality for too long, at the expense of a more emotional, needy side. These affairs sometimes bring to light entrenched emotional problems in the betraying spouse that can’t be resolved in the marriage.

Other kinds of affairs offer more hope. Some partners have “conflict-avoidance” affairs as a way of forcing unspoken tensions and disputes out in the open. Others use an “intimacy-avoidance” affair to keep a loving spouse at a distance, Brown says. People with sexual addictions are another category.

An oft-missed truth, Vaughan says, is that a high proportion of marriages survive affairs — but it takes effort, time and talking it over.

A Very Selfish Proclaimed Wayward Spouse

WELL! WELL! 

I get a comment on one of my post from a very selfish proclaimed wayward spouse on http://beerlove.wordpress.com/causes-and-types-of-extramarital-relationships/ telling me about a new blog.  I go and check it out – low and behold – yep he/she is a cheater and makes no bones about it.  So I respond to him/her on their blog http://loveisthebug.wordpress.com/2008/10/21/how-to-have-a-successful-illicit-encounters/ (I’m sure he/she will not approve my comment – below is what I wrote).

Your comment is awaiting moderation.

unbelievable!!

That is the answer LIE, CHEAT AND DECIEVE YOUR SPOUSE!!

Your spouse deserves better!! Do her/him a favor and get a divorce! You are a selfish PIG!! A WALKING STD!!

Beerlove

He/She even went so far as to send me a personal email that reads.

From: Beast Master

Who are you to judge the actions of others God ? I doubt it

So shut up you no idea what your talking about and its your stupid opinnion

 

Look at the facts 54% of Men 34% of women are having an affair

As your self why ?

Maybe they want to stay married Idiot!!!

Proves my point that unremorseful adulterers think only of themselves – they are self-righteous and justify their self-gratifications whether emotional or physical all at the expense of spouse/kids/family.

Of course I responded to his email and wrote.

Thanks for the heads up on your blog!!

Oh and ezek281 or Beast Master (what ever you want to call yourself)

FYI: in your email to me you assume I’ve cheated “As your self why ?” I am the Betrayed Spouse – I have never cheated on my husband, EVER!!  Read, “Letter to the Other Woman” and “I Blame Them Both“, along with “About Me”, “My Pain”, and my “Journal”.

One other thing Beast Master it is evident that  you have no integrity or honor for yourself or your marriage.  Hey I have an idea – why don’t you honor your spouse with the truth – give her a choice to find real honorable loyal love.  Obviously, you are not a Christian – maybe she will want an open marriage where she is free to mess around too.

Oh well!!

Update:

This post was copied onto a derogatory site – not the site owner of this post I’m talking about here.  I’ve emailed this site and have asked them to delete my content. I’m waiting patiently for them to delete my content before I take further action.  So if you happen to see this content or any content of mine on any site that that does not reflect my views please contact me.  Anyone is allowed to read or copy my content and use it in a positive way with exceptions to porn sites, or any site that demoralizes human beings.

So anyway – back on topic.

Yes, he deleted my comment from above.  Your comment is awaiting moderation.  Oh well!!!

It just amazes me how this guy twists around and justifies himself enticing people to cheat on their spouses (I’ll assume the site owner is male).  He points reference to Mira Kirshenbaum book, “When Good People Have Affairs”.  Now I don’t agree with her book ideology and what I’ve seen all over the Internet is more and more cheaters justifying lying and cheating, such as Peter Cook (Christie Brinkley’s ex).  I have an interview of Mira Kirshenbaum I’d like my readers to listen to explaining her book.  Click on the links to listen – Part1 and Part2.  Notice that the author talks about serial cheaters (Pathological) are not part of her book, she referred to people that make a one time mistake, not serial cheaters.  Let me tell you this guy that promotes lying and cheating clearly lacks character of integrity. Below is his article on the subject.

Having an affair could help your marriage  (click on the link and scroll down to see his abhorred justification.

And if you scroll down even more read his blog article on “Those righteous know it alls on Married Affairs!!”. 

What is even more chilling is that this guy justifies himself through scripture. 

Most self righteous people tend to like to quote the bible. Well there is a good phrase in the  bible that says:

1	Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2	For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Mk. 4.24
3	And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4	Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5	Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.
6	¶ Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.

My message to him is this:  Truth is not self righteous – but using scripture to deceive others to commit adultery – That is SELF RIGHTEOUS!  I spoke the TRUTH and this guy Justifies the LIE, using scripture.  Who cares about my Judgment of this guy because it is not me he will have to answer to.  How would this self-proclaimed serial cheater justify himself to Jesus on his Judgement day, who knows.  But one thing is for sure I’m so glad that I spoke the Truth.  I wonder how his wife will Judge him when she finds out about his Double Mindedness, how will he justify cheating on her, then??  Believe me, she will one day find out.

Click here to see what a Christian Marriage should look like!  This is easy to read but so hard to live.  We all stumble and fall, brush yourself off and keep moving.  Love is a choice! Commitment is a choice! Marriage is a choice!  Faithfulness is a choice!  God knows your heart and you can never lie to HIM.  All our choices are from the heart!!

On a final note, I highly recommend reading this site. It’s insightful into self. “REPEATING BEHAVIORS THAT WE HATE“

What does the Bible say about lying? Should believers lie?

A study regarding lies, liars and self-deception.

Please always get the latest version of this document, from the Bible Pages web site, at this address:
http://www.biblepages.web.surftown.se/eo05b.htm
For essays and articles on related and other subjects, see the table of contents and the key-word index.

Is there any scriptural guidance regarding lies and deceitfulness? This essay contains a study regarding lies, liars and self-deception (the latter is the same as lying to oneself). Scriptures in both the Old Testament and the New Testament will be considered. In short: The subject of this study is, what does the Bible say about lying? Should believers lie?

First, however, a quote from mundane literature. The following is a somewhat accurate (translated) citation from Fyodor Dostoevsky’s book “The Brothers Karamazov” – please read this short quote with care and thought:

[...] The important thing is to stop lying to yourself. A man who lies to himself and believes his own lies becomes unable to recognise the truth, either in himself or in anyone else, and he ends up losing respect for himself as well as for others. When he has no respect for anyone, he can no longer love, and in order to divert himself, having no love in him, he yields to his impulses, indulges in the lowest forms of pleasure, and behaves in the end like an animal, in satisfying his vices - all this being caused by that man's continual lying to himself and to others. [...]

Another translation (by C. Garnett, quoted from the 1995 edition by The Modern Library, New York):

[...] Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love he gives away to passions and coarse pleasures, and sinks to bestiality in his vices, all from continual lying to other men and to himself. [...]