Letter to the Other Woman
July 2, 2008As I write this I am clear on several things that you both chose to hurt other people (wife, kids, and family). How could you not know others are hurting when I reached out (even confronted) and told you so. To top it off you Justified yourself/yourselves! Another fact is that you cared less about hurting people and you are cold selfish. You think you know my husband but let me tell you – you only knew what he chose to tell you (you knew the outer shell that he shares with the world which has no foundation) not his true self. Me and my kids got that – his true self. We got the good, bad, and the ugly – you got the fantasy (THE ADDICTION)!! You own that – not me! You were never Just Friends with my husband!
You were never a friend to my husband’s marriage relationship or his family!!! Friends do not act the way you both have!! Homewreckers are not friends of any marriage or family!!
I know that my husband became this angry man and took his anger out on me and used you (Joycelin Saveena Shalini G (Galleli) Lyke, soon to have another surname Pinto) as the way to hurt me. His anger was directed at me because of his own stress with school (accreditation issues) and being around others that were angry at school and work, his issues with porn and abusive behavior, along with our son having teenage issues. He was rarely home and never helped with anything around the house or with the kids. His wife (ME)took on the male role of cleaning the yard, handy man, light bulb changer – I did those things out of respect to relieve his stress and busy schedule. He never helped with the kids – he gave our daughter her first bath at 3 years old (after I caught him having an affair with you). My husband was hanging out with angry people, liars and cheaters – he turned into what he was hanging around at school and at work. You, Joycelin, told me to get a job – so you believe because I do not get a paycheck for staying home raising my kids and taking care of all aspects of a home that that is not a job. You’re right it is not a job, it is a career and a thankless one at that!! Before you judge my life why don’t you have your own babies rather than try to steal someone else’s. It’s obvious that you have no respect for mothers/women and our choice career – our families. Not to mention you have no respect for men since you cheat and lie (even by omission) to them all, too! My guess is that that is how you were raised!! You even had the nerve to ask my husband to buy you new tires back in January 2004, just over a week after my miscarriage on Christmas Day 2003 (I have you on tape asking him and he did not even respond to your wants – remember, when my husabnd sat there with you at the tire store). You would take money away from my family’s food bill and during a time of despair – you are a divorced/single working Nurse with no kids, making great money – how dare you even ask!! You would not even stop contacting my husband – even when he told you to stop calling. He transferred from Cobb Hospital (Austell, Georgia) to get away from you!! You chased my husband and our phone records would prove that in any court of law. I dare you to prove me wrong. You are a vampire!!
My husband, The Prodigal Son – the only person in his family to go beyond a high school diploma. Lets see my husbands degrees are Doctor of Chiropractic (99-03), double Masters (04-05,), AS Registered Nursing degree (04-05), and in between all these degrees he received 2 Bachelors, and many Certifications, plus AS degree Registered Respiratory Therapy in 1997. Guess who helped him stay organized – yup that’s right his wife. I helped him with all his presentations – I was his secretary while giving birth/breastfeeding and raising our kids and taking care of our home and trying to finish my own degrees and developing a home business. I was always home for my husband and catered to him when he was home. You Joycelin had your own agenda for my husband. Not only did you both work together but you were his patient at clinic. His last month of clinic (October 2003) you were there twice a week, far more than any other previous months – I have the copies of all your visits to clinic. You chased my husband every way you could. He told me you always called him, even when he told you to stop calling, and our phone records prove that. He caught you lying to him about your other boyfriend, Scott, (yet another co-worker you were lying to) at the same time you were professing your love to my husband. The saying is true “Those that cheat with you will cheat on you”. In the last 5 years how many guys did you tell “I Love You” too? I will bet it was at least 4 to 5 guys – maybe more!! You are a piece of work.
No spouse deserves to be betrayed, gaslighted, and lied too - having multiple d-days, is abuse towards me (his wife), and family – who deserves that?!! He re-wrote our history to justify himself. He doesn’t remember hardly anything he has done and is defensive of his actions – which leaves me crying defending myself against how he makes me feel inside? There hasn’t been one dry day for me since the beginning of 2004 – Healing hasn’t even started for me! That I know is a fact. Another fact, is that my husband never wanted a divorce otherwise he would have filed himself. He tells me he does not want a divorce and he refused to acknowledge divorce papers at the court house when I filed on March 14, 2007. He made sure he was not working his scheduled shift at the hospital when the Sheriff came to serve him. He has always told me he loves me, which is why we married, and told you what you wanted to hear (he strung you along – having his cake and eating it too; sitting on the fence – watching) to escape his anger. His reason for the affair he said was a midlife crisis – what ever that means!! He can’t completely explain it himself!!! He uses the analogy of alcohol addiction to his affair with you – he has told me you could have been anyone to fill the addiction!! I never knew my husband to be such a coward until all this – this leaves me feeling abandoned and carrying the cross for 5 people (myself, husband & 3 kids). The weight is unbearable at times – you hold on tighter to GOD during life’s trials, just like Job (pronounced JOBE)!! Fact is my husband did this to himself and brought his wife, kids, and family down with him. Another fact, is that you (Joycelin) can’t blame my husband for anything because you chose to believe all the lies and you are a willing participant – you need to look only at yourself for the “WHY” answers of how you allowed a married man to use you for almost 5 years!!!
GUILT + SHAME does not mean there is REMORSE.
You, Joycelin, need tons of counseling! I believe you have lying issues and dating issues (deceiving others). I believe you are a very dishonest person and will lie your way through life until you get help. You date more than one guy at a time and deceive them because they believe your charm (damsel-in-distress) stringing them along. Listening to a married man talk behind his wife’s back is cruel to the unknowing wife! I will never get in the middle of such a betrayal. When I was single and dating I was always upfront about going out with others (honesty is the only way to meet the right person which leaves no unanswered questions) – dating does not require lying – that is why is it called dating. You will never have a rock foundation based on lies -ever!! You need to put yourself in the shoes of betrayed spouse to see the right side of this! Marriage is not based on lies – and will crumble with lies!! There is never justification for what you have done – never! This is your cross to carry!!
Dating unavailable men (married or partnered) is just wrong no matter how you justify your excuse to hurt others and/or what they tell you - there is a commitment and a responsibility to someone else!!! I do not believe it just happens because you both made a conscience choice, knowing full well that my husband is not available – period. Dating a man that is separated is wrong – they are still unavailable and on the re-bound. My husband and I never separated until I his lies, deceit, and gaslighting started effecting me once I found out about his affair with you. He never willingly left the house – but he always had a free place to stay at your house, eh!! I deserve better than a liar and cheater and so do my kids!! He would run to you (his plan B – second choice) while trying to have his cake with me, telling me what ever I wanted to hear!! Stupid me (No – you told me I was an IDIOT once that’s right) for wanting to believe my own husband!! Just a little advise to you – you never date anyone that is separated, divorcing, or just ending a relationship – not unless you want to be the re-bound!! Going after married men at work is stupid – not even dogs shit where they eat from!!! In fact, it is not called dating if the man/woman is not available, it is called having an affair - Period. Being friends with an unavailable person of the opposite sex is wrong if the wife does not know and is not included in the friendship – that includes personal phone calls and time alone together. There should never be private conversations, coffee, lunches, or anything that the spouse is not invited to join – ever – Period!! There should never be any secrets from the wife about any friendships – ever – Period!! That is adultery, an affair, cheating, infidelity; what ever you want to call it – it is what it is – period!! Infidelity is ABUSE in itself!!! There are boundaries that one should never cross!! Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!! Again, this is your cross to carry!!
I believe you brought on your own shame in your life and you can’t blame anyone else for it. Having an affair with a married man with kids was strictly your own doing – no one forced you. Hurting me and my kids is of your own doing – you chose to ignore and justified yourself. That is your cross to carry!!
When you put your head down on your pillow your choices will weigh on your mind penetrating to your soul!! You will always remember what you have done to yourself and innocent people. You were never a victim you were the co-conspirator. Once again this is your cross to carry.
In closure, I will always hold you and my husband responsible – not hostage. I will try to view you as a very very flawed person with a weak character and zero boundaries. You are not who you try to portray yourself as. I will always want to live being real! I will always choose Honesty! I will learn How to Forgive Your Enemies .
I hope you find your way in life and Christ heals you.
Other related writings:
I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!
So much hurt and bitterness i wish there was something i could do. Why do you put all the blame on the other woman? Every God fearing woman knows that they were both wrong and they will both live with it for the rest of their lives. Your husband had the affair by choice, a choice he has made all by himself. You will never know what he told her. He is the one that is married and if women can just refuse to listen to those pathetic reasons for cheating, they will understand that he is to be blamed more – he made a commitment to you and to himself and he could’nt keep it, he is the one who promised in church that he will forsake all others. he is the one with children that he is suppose to be a role model for. He shouldn’t look at other woman to start with and he can say no. He hid it for 5 years! You never knew which means he is a brilliant liar – if he can deceit you and you are suppose to know all aspects of him, be realistc. i beg to differ – it was not only sex it was an emotional bond and you husband will never admit it. The bottom line is he did the same thing to both of you, you his wife and his mistress. Trust, honesty, loyalty and respect are all components of love – of any kind of relationship. You need to ask yourself is this what you have in all honesty? Your husband is a coward who couldn’t face his problems, didn’t have the maturity and guts to discuss it with you , to find a solution to his problem together, i wouldn’t put it past him to blame you for his actions, no he used someone else to boost his ego so that he can go home and play the big man. Pathetic. Its easier to blame the other person then in a way you can justify a lot of things. I think your husband is without any consience, how can he sleep with both of you? How can you cope knowing that he shared the same kind of intimacy with her? I hope that it will never happen again for the sake of your children. I guess i just have enough of men using pathetic excuses for their unacceptable behaviour and thinking that it is excusable. They are suppose to be the strong ones, the ones women should look up too. What a laugh! It is unfortunately true but also very sad. Women choose to believe what their husbands say – its better than facing the harsh reality and truth.
Thank you! I read that and it was all of my feeling rolled up and printed out. It was both of them that did whatever they did and we need to pick up the peices.At times I wonder is it all worth it .I’m married 11 years and with him 13. I have 2 step sons one child with him and he has autism.Also I am currently pregnant. I just found this out last month that he was seeing her on and off for a year. I am hurt and sick. At times I need a drink but can’t. I’m glad you wrote out everything for that…..”woman”
Madelaine,
Thanks for your response – sorry it took me so long to respond.
You ask why do I blame her too. I blame them both. Yes, my husband is responsible to our marriage relationship and knew better, but so did the woman that knew my husband was not available (MARRIED) is a co-conspirator. PERIOD! Yes, my husband told me she could have been anyone to escape reality from – real live events. You’re right I will never know what he told her but if you are going to be dumb enough to believe a lying married man then, so be it. My husband finely takes 100% blame for his choices – I will not put up with blame shifting by him ever again, or anyone for that matter.
As far as the mistress – she is not sorry for anything. I’m a very good detective and I have tons of hard copy evidence that this woman chased after my husband and my husband was stupid enough to believe her lies too. She goes after multiple men at the same time leaving behind destruction and calls herself a Christian.
Maybe you are a OW too and call yourself a Christian.
,
Thank you. I’m sorry for your pain. Is it worth it, you ask – It is only worth it if he changes and never blames you for the destruction that is solely his choice because he has other options like filing for divorce or going to marriage counseling.
Adultery is a sick and twisted way of dealing with your internal issues and believe me he has the issues and his choice will never have anything to do with you. Just as he has issues so does the person that had the affair with him because she willing participated as a co-conspirator against your marriage relationship. Any person that is willing to be involve in cheating, deceit, and betrayal on any level has many issues that most likely go back to childhood and if not resolve will repeat themselves again and again.
We all have issues – just that some people work on their issues the right way by seeking out healthy ways for dealing with them, that will not damage relationships. Hence my blog – a very healthy way.
I was pregnant twice during my husbands affair. I miscarried one Chirstmas day 2003 (I had no clue he was having an affair) and we had a beautiful boy in 2006. My husband swore up and down he was not talking or seeing his mistress (his re-bound girl) – that was a big lie (over and over again) and he was the one that wanted to have another baby. I left the state for several months while I was pregnant w/ our son and stayed with my brother – my husband chased me and chased me. My husband called me relentlessly – he wouldn’t leave me alone, trying to control me and my every move – i wanted to move on with my life and let him go. He was free to have his mistress but he was trying to convince me he wanted nothing to do with her. He told me many times he told her to stop contacting him, he wanted his marriage but she would not stop chasing him. Problem was I still caught them together. BIG FAT LIARS – they both are!! Pathetic – Isn’t it!!
God Bless
Dear Beerlove
No, i’m not the OW has never been and never will be. Selfrespect and respect for people and relationships in general makes it a no-go for ever and no woman who has gone through something like this will ever do it to another woman. There is always two sides to the story as i learned the hard way. I believed only what he told me because i wanted to and was cheated on again as reward for my refusal to face reality. I spoke to the first woman and confronted my husband with what she told me 4 years after the fact. He admitted to telling her horrible things about me, lies and couldn’t explain why he did it because he knows its not true. He lied to me about her and to her about me. The only person who got anything out of all this was my ex. Since all this i’ve met a number of people who knows her and could’nt believe she would get involved with something like this. In the end nobody will know the whole truth and we have to believe what we choose to believe. Re: letter dated 2 October 2008. Another person confirming my experience. What i have learned is if he did it once he can do it again there’s no guarantees and all the other women are not necessarily cold-blooded home wreckers. There are exceptions to the rule and i hope that for your sake and your children that this horrible experience was a once-off never to be repeated again. Everytime something like this happens you lose a part of all that makes you the woman you are.
I’m glad to hear back from you.
Self-respect and respect for others relationships is a needed component to never make that choice (and it is a choice) to cheat, lie, and deceive. Unfortunately there are lots of women on gloryb.com that were once BS and now OW. These women are very messed up – you would have to be to go there (be an OW). Issues such as not knowing Boundaries, love addiction, abandonment issues – etc… For a person to get involved with a married person – they already have deep issues, period. The only exception is if they did not know the person was married and once found out dumped the asstard.
The OW in my marriage is a cowardly person. Oh yes, people were shocked that she got involved with a married man and they were equally shocked that she had a string of guys she was fooling around with at work – Hospitals are a breeding ground for infidelity especially COBB Hospital in Austell, GA. My husband knew many people that were cheating there – makes cheating easy when many others are doing it too. The work place is not a friend to marriages!! He transfered in February of 2006 after I left him in January 2006 for several months while pregnant with our son and she still chased him – he transfered to get away from her, but he was still a coward about it. He has told her not to contact him and she did anyway. He has told her he love me and his family, and wants to be with us. Nothing matter to her and he did not have a backbone. They are both to blame for their choices.
She had at least 2 boyfriends at a time. She preys on them by playing the victim – my poor life, boo hoo. She married someone to get a visa to live in the states – he divorced her too. I found out (again very good detective) that she is desperate to get married – very needy, type of person. I hold my cards close – before asking husband questions and he was able to confirm my hard copies – he did not even realize it. That is how I put pieces of the puzzle together. Hope that made sense. Well, she is finely getting married – but she will cheat again because she is a lying sneak with no pure motives, only selfish motives. She has an addiction to romance (love) and doesn’t live in reality. My husband tells me her favorite sitcom is “Sex in the City” – now that is an addicts show to watch and not deal with real life – a total fantasy life. Once the honeymoon is over – she will do it again – it may take 5 years.
As for my husband – yes he has tons of issues too. He was abusive while having his affair. I do not make it easy for him – he has to own his own shit. I will not take responsibility for his cruel choices. He told me the other night he regrets even knowing her and he does not have any kind words for her at all.
Cheating of any form (Physical or Emotional) is abuse all by itself.
i did dump the bastard. He told her his divorce was almost through. He even used a golf buddy’s apartment to entertain her – pretending it was his. It was devastating to realize that after 12 years you don’t know the person sleeping next to you.
I glad you don’t make it easy for him, it was his choice nobody forced him and he must take responsibility for what he did. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world – in time the emotional scars will fade. Just believe in yourself and trust your instinct. Maybe if society isn’t quite so forgiving towards married men that cheats these men will think twice about going that route.
As far as it goes for the OW. She will get what she deserves and you are probably right so the sympathy goes to her husband. I believe that what you put out into the world comes back to you in two-fold. Be grateful we are not in her shoes because she will pay for every little hurtfull thing she did to others and boy from what you found out – that account is very long.
Take care of yourself and most important believe in yourself
Yes, it is completely devistating to wake up one morning and your life as you knew it – is no more. We have been together almost 15 years and for most of them they were awesome. We had so much fun together – we laughed all the time. We were not perfect – but all was great.
It will take me years to recover – this I’m sure about. Yes, he owns his choices and I do make him accountable. I even hold his family accountable for enabling such behaviors (their closet doors open wide during husband’s affair) – they will never be trusted again. God, will open closets on liars and cheaters that damage others in hope that they will draw nearer to him to make wrongs right and give him the glory. Choice, it’s all about CHOICE. Like I said before people that cheat and lie have their issues and most likely go back to childhood – that is so with my husband.
I never want to be in her shoes that is for sure. I wear my heart on my sleeve and people know me for it. My motives for my blog is to write out my pain, inform others about infidelity, and to let her know that I am human with a broken heart because of intentional choices to hurt others. And yes, I realize she doesn’t care who she hurts – but I’m letting her know just the same.
God Bless you on your journey.
Dear Beerlove
I am blessed, i don’t have sleepless nights and questions that have no answers. I am blessed with a beautiful daughter and my life is full of sunshine and laughter. It was a difficult journey to get to this stage and there were times that i doubt my decision but looking at my daughter i know i made the right choice. I can walk tall and be proud of who i am. By divorcing him, i cut out the negative part of my life, the part that poisoned me and my relationship with people around me. My daughter is a lovely young woman and is going to university next year to study law. She is well balanced, socially and mentally stable and well adapt. She has a negative view of men, but in time i believe she will make peace with everything that has happened and find the love and happiness she deserves.
You are a strong woman with strong moral values and selfrespect. You know who you are and what you want. You will get through this i have no doubt, just protect yourself emotionally and don’t let this devastating incident change you into someone your children doesn’t know.
Take care.
WOW! You are Blessed.
University – that is awesome and law to boot. I love law! You did a great job raising her! As far as guys – she will trust the right man and she will make sure he earns that trust given. All anyone can do is to lay their cards on the table that must be met. Love is a choice for both involved.
Thanks. Some days I don’t feel strong – but I know I am. My kids have watched me break down and now they are watching me build myself again.
You are correct love is a choice. You will have bad days for months but it do get better in time – that is the truth. Yes, my daughter makes me proud and i know that the man who is lucky enough to win her heart will be worth it- she is a tough woman with strong moral values and believes and he would’nt have a easy time winning her heart. If you need to talk you know where to find me i will check this website regularly. You hold on, hold your head high, love yourself and give lots of love to your children. The last part is what pulls you through.
I mean it i’m here if you just want to talk.
Take care
Madelaine,
You are so kind!
I will take you up on it!!
BeerLove
[...] am the Betrayed Spouse – I have never cheated on my husband, EVER!! Read, “Letter to the Other Woman” and “I Blame Them Both“, along with “About Me”, “My [...]
I found this and had to post it here.
Guilt v. Remorse
-Real remorse means seeing the pain you caused someone, and reaching out to make it better. Feeling bad for the person in pain.
-A person who feels guilt rather than remorse sees the pain of others (that they inflicted) as judgment, condemnation, and feels bad for themselves. What they feel for the person in pain is anger – anger for showing them what they don’t want to see (the consequences of their actions). Someone who feels remorse for doing a bad thing will always consider the thing they did to be bad.
-Bad feelings associated with guilt are situational, and change with circumstances.
-Someone really remorseful doesn’t want to repeat a harmful action – they aren’t even tempted to. Real remorse means never doing it again, self accountability.
-Someone who feels guilty can still repeat the actions causing the guilt, precisely to escape the guilt. The only way to end feelings of guilt is self accountability – guilt happens when someone runs from it.
-Remorse says “I’m sorry I hurt you”.
-Guilt says “stop making me feel bad for what I did”.
-Remorse cares more about the one wounded. They don’t care about others holding them accountable because they already hold themselves accountable.
-Guilt worries more about how the wounded one makes them appear in the eyes of others. They feel their self image is being attacked. They do worry about others holding them accountable because they shirk self accountability.
-Remorse means learning from one’s harmful actions.
-Guilt means not even facing what one has done, so learning from it isn’t likely.
-Remorse means leaving the harmful actions one did in the past, but not forgetting them.
-Guilt carries harmful actions around, keeping them ever present, by attempting to avoid dealing with them. They will always be ever present, a thorn in ones side, looming large and affecting one’s life until faced and dealt with. This is self inflicted torture – although a person struggling with guilt will blame others.
-Remorse leads to the ability to forgive the self.
-Guilt leads to self hatred.
-Remorse is action, actively doing something about the harm one caused.
-Guilt is feeling self pity and doing nothing about the harm one caused.
-Guilt is telling the person “to get over it”
-Remorse is asking what can I do for you to help you heal and puts into action
-Guilt is only a feeling it does not always keeping promises quilt will even procrastinate
-Remorse is acting on the promises made – a deep feeling – a wanting to make a wrong right.
-Guilt offers no understanding
-Remorse will seek help
Hi Madelaine (comment given on September 14, 2008 at 4:43 pm)
Thank you for your wise comments. I was the other woman & I was torn between looking at things from 2 perspective after what happened. I wanted to put all the blame on myself yet I knew he started pursuing me first, so am I to be blamed for finally giving in to him. Your comments reconfirmed what I truly felt about my affair partner. I used to love him but now I hated him so much for being that coward, liar, cheater & betrayer. He is the lowest of low!
Sapphirey,
Let me just say first, I’m sorry for the pain you went through. No, you don’t put all the blame on yourself because it takes 2 people to make a choice to lie and cheat. Just like it is a choice to get married or divorce. Our whole lives are about choices – good or bad. You made a choice to lie and cheat with a man that has zero respect for you or his wife. You had other choices, you could have told his wife (giving her proof) about his cheating/chasing you. You could have filed harassment against him. You have to know to respect yourself more than him and have boundaries for yourself. Believe it or not you are a co-conspirator against his marriage. You both took her (his wife) choices away from her by allowing the lies / cheating and sneaking around behind her back. His poor wife and if they have kids – the pain goes all around.
If I did not have physical proof that my husband’s OW chased him (she even cheated on him too – as if that can be possible since he was married), I would never have believed it. She’s engaged now to a guy in a different country (Canada) and is cheating on him with someone else (with a shiny black car) Men like the chase. But neither one of them (husband or OW) cared less about the wife and kids. A wife that loved her husband. The mother of his Children.
((HUGS))
Beerlove
Thanks BeerLove
There’s so many issues going through my mind after reading your reply, yet I just could not put them into words. But one thing for sure, he had the choice in the 1st place. I reminded him he was married even before we got together.
To make things easier for you to understand, we had a very close platonic relationship before the affair. Hence I kept pointing out to him like how he should speak nicely to the wife & spend more time with her. But too bad, we have to cross the line & destroy that friendship that we had.
For me, I know real well, its not the temptation of being his baby or worst just wanting to know if I have the ability to attract married men (I read that horrible comment somewhere). I decided to agree to him (finally) because I really liked him a lot as a friend and given the emotions he’s showing me, somehow, my like turns to love. I thought it was the same for him all along because whenever we talked about our relationship, he kept saying he respect me so much & cared & loved me & he doesnt want to hurt me. I even believed his answer when I asked him why do you choose me. His answer was he feel very comfortable with me & he start to have feelings for me. But towards the end of our affair, when I asked him that question again, he simply said its evil thoughts that made him kissed me & pursue me. I know I was blinded all these while by his sweet words but the moment this confession came out from his mouth, my love turned to hatred & rage towards him. He is such a loser!!! I hate him!!!
FYI, he shown his true colours to me at the moment of his confession to the wife. He was so paranoid that I will tell her about us. BUT, even at the point of confession, he lied to her. He lied to her about what we did in the relationship – like there’s no sex involved. He even made me lie the same to her. Seriously I feel like giving him a good tight slap. He dont deserve to live.
BeerLove, I have some questions for you.
1. Do you think he may have truly cared & loved me before?
2. Do you think after what happened (the wife forgave him within 2 days period after the confession), does he feel guilty & sorry for what he did to me? FYI, he abandoned me entirely after the wife forgive him.
3. Will their marriage ever be the same again? I read somewhere that it takes time to forgive & reconcile, but their took place within 2 days. Are they just putting on a show to hide their true feelings? **I am asking this not because I give a hoot about him anymore, but I am not convinced that he will change. I am very sure he is doing this from the ultimatums given by Her Highness.
Thanks Beerlove…hugz
Sapphirey,
You sound very young. I have so much to say – Hopefully wisdom for you. I will write in detail later tonight.
Beerlove
Sapphirey,
Yes, he had a choice – but what you can’t seem to see is you also had a choice. You are blaming him for chasing you and why are you reminding him about being married – he has always known that. He is the one that got on one knee to ask his wife for her hand in marriage. That is what my husband did – got on his knee with a ring. My husband even asked my parents for my hand before he asked me and I was 30 years old at the time with a 8 year son.
You really need to put yourself in the shoes of his wife. Ask yourself if you were married and made vows for better or worse what does that mean to you? Is this the type of man you want to marry – a man that will cheat on you!! Of course you marry someone you love because you made a choice to marry your love and honor it. That is what this OM and his wife have done. He had a choice to honor his vow and if he has issues he needs to go to her (his wife) with them, not involve a 3rd party. Men or women that cheat normally have issues that go back to childhood – they do not know how the deal with real life problems. They are usually conflict avoiders, passive aggressive and such. I will even bet that he abandoned his wife emotionally, maybe even abusive. I will tell you that he is cruel and abusive towards his wife while having an affair and most likely after.
You say you were both friends. Friends don’t lie to each other or their spouses or even sneak around. Let me ask you this – is this how you are with your other friends? I bet not. You both were never friends to begin with. How many of your real life friends know about the both of you – better, yet what about your family. What would your mum say to you? I’ve never cheated or helped someone cheat but I always knew that if my parents did not know what was going on in my life that I was living wrong. My conscience always got the best of me and my mother knew me so well. I love my mom – thank God for mothers.
Real love does not lie or cheat. Real love is honest – it has a conscience – Love takes responsibility for its actions. LOVE IS A CHOICE.
Can I ask you a question? You said you also lied for him – why? She asked you for the truth and you lied to her – WHY? She asked for the truth and you did not give her the truth, do you think you were protecting him or yourself? Why didn’t you call the wife and tell her the truth before he went running back to her? He threw you under the bus and you lied for him. Do you normally lie for people or even lie to people? Why?
You asked me some questions and I will answer them:
1.Do you think he may have truly cared & loved me before?
NO, BECAUSE LOVE IS NOT BASED ON A LIE – EVEN BY OMITION – LOVE DOES NOT START A RELATIONSHIP ON A LIE, EVER. HE DOESN’T FULLY LOVE HIS WIFE EITHER, BUT HE LOVED HER ENOUGH TO MARRY HER– HE LOVES HIMSELF. IF HE LOVED YOU HE WOULD HAVE LEFT HIS WIFE AND FILED DIVORCE TO BE WITH YOU. HE ALSO HAS NO RESPECT FOR YOU – IF HE RESPECTED YOU HE WOULD NOT OF COMPROMISED YOUR REPUTATION WITH AN AFFAIR.
2. Do you think after what happened (the wife forgave him within 2 days period after the confession), does he feel guilty & sorry for what he did to me? FYI, he abandoned me entirely after the wife forgive him.
I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT HIS WIFE FORGAVE HIM WITHIN 2 DAYS – THIS WILL TAKE MANY MONTHS, EVEN YEARS. I’M SURE HE FEELS GUILTY – IF HE IS STILL LYING TO HER HE IS NOT AT ALL REMORSEFULL. HE DID NOT ABANDON YOU – HE WAS NEVER MARRIED TO YOU. HE ABANDONED HIS WIFE WHILE HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH YOU.
3. Will their marriage ever be the same again? I read somewhere that it takes time to forgive & reconcile, but their took place within 2 days. Are they just putting on a show to hide their true feelings? **I am asking this not because I give a hoot about him anymore, but I am not convinced that he will change. I am very sure he is doing this from the ultimatums given by Her Highness.
THEIR MARRIGE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. MARRIAGE IS WORK – IT IS NOT ALL FUN AND GAMES – MARRIAGE TAKES MUCH RESPONSIBILITY AND COURAGE. IF HE IS LYING SHE WILL KNOW AND HE WILL REAP THE REWARDS OF HIS CHOICES. ARE YOU ANGRY AT HIS WIFE BY CALLING HER “HIGHNESS”, WHY? DO YOU FEEL THAT SHE GOT IN YOUR WAY OF TRUE LOVE?
I’m not trying to be harsh – I’m speaking the truth. Hate him all you want, but pray for his wife. She did not deserve any of what you both have done to her or do you believe she does? Maybe you should try counseling for yourself to figure out why you would lie and cheat yourself?
Feel free to contact me anytime. I wish you healing!
((HUGS))
Beerlove
Hi again Beerlove
I am 28 yrs next week. You would say I am young when it comes to love
I used to had an 8 years long-distance relationship with this really great guy, but I made the mistake of not giving my best in that relationship. He was a very nice guy, always concerned for me (despite being far from me physically). Never a day goes by without him talking or emailing me. Towards the end, I felt more brotherly love for him & decided to leave him. I cut contact with him until recently. After him, I dated on and off but there’s never been a serious relationship.
I am not ashamed to say I do have issues of my own. Professionally, I would say I am better off. I have been told I was a great manager & sales person (I work in sales), but personally I am a perfectionist & I get demotivated easily if things do not work out well and I tend not to open up easily unless I am very comfortable with that person. At times, I do admit its ego that make me do or dont do certain things. Friendship wise, I have a couple of best friends & my relationship with my parents, though I wont say is very close, is amicable.
I guess I should give you a much clearer picture of my relationship with MM. I do agree that I was given a choice, maybe I was vulnerable & lonely, & also I really enjoyed our friendship, which could be why I gave in to him.
He definitely doesnt fall into the category of “nice guy”. He has a wild past, but mellowed down a little bit after marriage & child. When I think back, he is not the type of guy I would normally date.
He even told me how he cheated on his wife while they were dating (long distance also for about 5 yrs). Sometimes, I am not sure if I should blame him entirely for his infidelity. They got married without him even proposing to her. It was her family who asked his parents if the 2 of them should get married and he cant say no as the decision has been made. If he’s truly ready to settle down, he should be the one who asked the question. When I reflect back, he is really a dishonorable man who would do anything to get what he wanted. He had the cheek to ask me if he is not married, will I marry him. What kind of honest married man will do that?
About his wife, I do know that I should put myself in her shoes. She dont deserve this. I feel truly horrible at what I did to her. I am a practical person so I want to see things from both angles. I would say she has neglected him after their child was born. They dont date anymore (except for the occasional movie). The way she speaks to him is considered harsh & you can sense there’s no love & can you imagine she can sit on the sofa & asked him to get her a drink using her foot? Even so, she is his wife & we have hurt her.
Even at work, I wouldnt say he is the best manager. There were a lot of negativity going around about him, yet I was protecting & defending him because he was my good friend. Until today, he still believed that his staff left not because of him, but the truth is they left because they said he is not a good manager & leader.
About me lying to his wife, at 1st I listened to him & told her what he asked me to, but in the end I told her the truth. Until today I still keep our emails, smses & msn chat histories. Those are my evidence to what kind of person he is. I am not sure to what extend he lied to his wife, but I know he used reasonings under the name of God (yes, he is that kind of person who would do anything to solve a problem as fast as he can) and miraculously she forgave him. It really disgusts me that he can preach about Christianity & yet do these kind of things behind his family. It only explains so much about his morality & integrity.
I am sorry if my entry is very long & not lined up properly. I am writing what pops up in my head.
Beerlove, I am trying very hard to move on. Its very tough, but I am determined to change myself. My new year resolution is to be a better & happier person & to totally forget about him or at the least make him as insignificant as possible. Any tips how to forget him?
Thanks!!
28 – well I got you by 15 years. So, yes you are young.
I’m going to tell you what I tell my kids.
When you meet a nice single person look at the way they treat others – parents, siblings, friends, and associates alike. How do the parents treat each other because if the parents treat each other with mutual respect then chances are you will be treated the same way. Is this person trustworthy and committed? What is his true Character and don’t be afraid to ask that person’s family and friends about that person. If that person gets mad then they are not worth your time. Remember, “Those who have nothing to hide – HIDE NOTHING”. Relationships have a beginning, middle and end. In marriage you have the courtship, The Beginning (you have that mutual respect – the euphoric feeling). The courtship can last many years into marriage (arranged marriage or love marriage doesn’t matter) until a crisis in the marriage comes into the relationship, The Middle (that is where true everlasting love can begin – your “soul mate”). A spouse has 2 choices here 1. to work it out together as a couple by all means necessary (seeking family, friends, or clergy for help). Spouses should never speak badly of one another, only love and concern for each other. or 2. run away and let the problems escalate (a cowardly way of handling life). Marriage ebbs and flows throughout. Marriage is hard work. The final stage is death. The End. Hopefully you are there to kiss your husband or wife goodbye for now. That is just the relationship between husband and wife – it is even more when you have children together. I do not advocate divorce unless there is abuse and even then there should be separation between them for the abuser to get help for their issues and if he/she refuses divorce is necessary.
I will bet your MM had much to say (negative) about his wife and made himself out to be the martyr in the marriage. Men/woman that cheat on their spouse are normally the ones that don’t give enough in the relationship because they are to busy thinking about themselves and putting effort into the affair partner and their lies to both Wife and OW. When you say his wife neglected him after the birth of their child – I find that hog wash because he can go to her and resolve this. But what he did was resolve it by having an affair. Date nights are very important. The movies can make for a great date night. Going for a walk together is what I love the most and an Irish Pub once and while. Date night can be going out with other coupled friends. Date nights are what you both like to do together even if it is hanging out at home curled up by the fire (we do that too). Your MM needs to grow-up and be a man. He needs to read some books and learn to communicate with his wife not a 3rd person (OW) or go to marriage counsleing. As a matter of fact there should be no secret friends of the opposite sex when you’re in a relationship – that is a slippery slop. If you do have friends that your spouse is not comfortable with a spouse needs to forsake all others for their spouse so as to preserve the marriage relationship. Marriage is a partnership – best friends.
Remember you only have his side of the marriage relationship – I will bet money that her version is very different from his. Best way to know the truth is to ask them both together – but that’s not going to happen. I told my husband’s OW “I would love to put my husband is a room with both of us their and hear what he had to say then”. Of course, as always, she was speechless.
I try very hard to live by “love your neighbor as yourself”. It is very very difficult at times. I’ve made tons of mistakes myself. I will never be perfect. I learn lessons every day.
I have some book suggestions for you to read that may help.
1. Safe People – by Cloud and Townsend (it is Christian book – but applies to all)
2. Boundaries – by Cloud and Townsend (again also Christian)
3. Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
Maybe reading some books might help you get through this. You will get through this – I promise. This is a major lesson for you to learn from. I’m sure you will never find yourself as the OW ever again. Contact me anytime.
Beerlove
Thanks Beerlove for your advise. I will pick up what I feel is good for myself, though there are certain issues which I feel are still unanswered. Happy Holidays to you
Sapphirey,
Your welcome.
Live life fairly – look back only to learn from the past. Don’t let your mistakes define you. Find your peace.
Find a support system of family, friends, or clergy for yourself. Never isolate yourself from your troubles – that is when dark lives within us. Light is life worth living. Life is not just about you – it’s about our relationships.
God Bless
Have a Merry Christmas.
Beerlove
Beerlove – How I wish I had read this blog a year ago. I have been the OW until recently. Now I have a broken heart but I know it doesn’t compare to what his wife is feeling – regardless of their relationship. I have never felt good about our affair and I feel deep remorse. “Our” situation is a bit differnt in many ways but it still doesn’t excuse my behavior. I am getting counseling and will never be the OW again. I’m sorry for happen to you and sorry for the hurt I have caused. Thank you for your wise commentary. May God bless you and forgive me.
Karen,
Thank you. I too am sorry for your pain and wish you healing. Never once did the OW in my marriage express sorrow for hurting others (and she had many opportunities) – so Thank you, again. I’m glad to hear you are in counseling – it can only help and it is never shameful to ask for help.
My husband is back into counseling too – he is doing a 12 step program (the same program for addicts). Affairs are not about the betrayed spouse – it is a character flaw within the person lying & cheating. Sure every marriage has their issues but to lie and cheat adds more unnecessary damage. That is where a 12 step program is helpful. My husband was very abusive during his affair – I never saw that part of him till then – it was cruel and scary. If your AP’s wife knows about the affair , maybe you can email her an apology – if heartfelt, an apology will help her in her healing and most likely yours. She may have questions to ask you – please answer them even if you know they will hurt her. I’d rather be hurt with the truth than with a lie. She may not believe you – but you have told the truth. Truth really does set you free. Don’t protect your AP because he is not protecting you – trust me on that. He is only protecting himself. He has to live with the consequences. For me I was diagnosed with PTSD. (Trauma – the same type of trauma our vets have).
Bottom line is a married man can make his words convincing, but his actions are telling. Always look at his actions. If he is telling you he loves you – he would have left his marriage without excuses as to why he can not leave (not the right time to leave, kids, wife, finances etc…).
Feel free to contact me anytime. God Bless, Beerlove
Thank you for responding to my post. I agree with you that the guy I was seeing has some serious character flaws. His wife also has some serious problems. I wasn’t the first affair and I knew that. However there was only one other affair that got serious and it was many years ago. His wife actually confirmed that bit of information. But that doesn’t excuse our affair. His wife also has some serious problems – one is that she is an alcoholic. I’m not sure what “AP” stands for but I realize it is the married man. I guess what through me off was the fact that I met a lot of his friends and even drove him home on occasion when I picked him up from the airport and other times.
I have talked to the wife a number of times. I would apoligize to her but now is not the time. Not only did the AP describe her as pyscho but also a lot of other people that know her. She has some serious psychological that existed long before I came in to the picture. But I also realize that maybe it was his affairs that caused it. I was married for many years and never would have put up with my ex-husband having affairs. Why would any woman put up with this? She claims he abused her too. I asked her why she would put up with that and she had no answer. I know that they are in marriage counseling but I also know he doesn’t have the desire to fix his marriage. They are well off financially and she has never worked. He knows he would lose a lot.
I so appreciate you responding to my post and I hope you will again. It gives me strength when I feel so weak (and bad). Maybe later I will contact the wife to let her know how sorry I am. She threatened to hurt me and I am scared of her.
I hope you are doing OK and I’m sorry for the hurt the other woman caused you. There is no excuse.
Karen
Karen, I have so much to say. I will do so after Christmas.
FYI: AP = Affair Partner
Beerlove
I wish we could talk via my personal email address (because I need to hear what you have to say) but I don’t want to put my email address online on this website. I hope you have a happy holiday season. Thanks again for your response.
Karen
Hi – I sent you an email but it was returned – the message was that the account does not exists.
Karen,
Thanks so much for your patience. It has been extremely busy with Christmas and new grandson, along with everyday stuff.
Yes, he most certainly does have serious flaws. As for his wife – I would bet my house that her issues are due to his lying and cheating. He most likely told her she was crazy. I will also bet my house that she never had issues until he proved himself to be untrustworthy. How else could he justify what he is doing – he needs to blame her for everything. I will bet he was not even helpful around the house – doing the man stuff. He most likely never helped with the kids (if they have any). How do I know this – this is how my husband was. But one difference was that he could never tell anyone of our mutual friends that I was crazy – they would have chewed him a new ass. But he did tell people shitty things about me to people that did not know me or knew me very little (the people that knew me very little could not say I was crazy either) – I’m sure those people believed him (he got rid of those people because they were not friends of our relationship/marriage). Her Alcoholism is most likely the result of his deceit. Although she owns that (Alcoholism) I will bet that he uses that as an excuse to cheat. The woman is not the same person she once was – all thanks to her husband. Instead of building her up – he tore her down with his lying and cheating. Where is her protected safe place – surely not with the one person she thought she could count on – her husband.
You were married for many years and you say you would not have put up with your ex-husband cheating on you. So why are you with a man that is clearly cheating on his wife? I don’t mean to sound harsh but you are a co-conspirator against his marriage and wife.
They are in marriage counseling – they will never heal their marriage if he is still having an affair and communicating with you. There has to be NO Contact between you before he can even try to work on his marriage that he destroyed far more than she did by his lying and cheating. But if he doesn’t want his marriage to work then he is even more of a loser because he is still gaslighting her (deceiving). No marriage is perfect – ever! But infidelity destroys the soul of anyone. She could not answer you “why she stays” – I will bet she loves him. Women divorce more often than men. I will bet deep down she loves her cheating husband.
Here is my story:
About Me
The Mr. and The Mrs.
My Pain
My Journal
I wish you peace.
Beerlove
Hi Beerlove,
I have been reading your blogs and so much of what you say has hit home for me. My H was having an affair with a very good friend of mine. You are so right, he made me sound like a crazy person, lied about me to her and constantly discussed our personal life with her. Little did she know that he was lying to her just like he lied to me about their relationship. All of his problems are just that…his problems. The OW still thinks that I’m some kind of lunatic, but if we all sat down together and I addressed all of the lies, she would find out just what a liar he really is. She can’t possibly fathom how she was lead to believe such complete nonsense about me. He even set me up and lied about me to his family when he knew that I had discovered the affair.
She was not innocent either. She lied and conived behind my back with him also. I blame her because she knows that my husband is married and we have a child. She knows how much I love and adore this man, yet she chose to try to end my marriage. She actually thought that he would leave me for her.
Keep writing, your blogs are very helpful and insightful.
Bellemere
Bellemere,
Thank you – I will forever continue my blog to help others like us.
Wow, she disguised herself as a friend to you and your marriage.
My husband did the same thing – told family and friends that I was Bi-Polar after I caught him. So typical so they can justify destroying others. If you read other stories of betrayed spouses you will see the writings – All Cheating Spouses and Other Woman/Men read from the same manual book. Truth is not what most of them are concern with – it’s justifying their conscience.
God Bless and Healing to you and your husband.
Oooo how much I understand and I sympathize with you! I’ve been in a relationship for almost 24 years and 2 beautiful boys 15 and 18 years old. All of a sudden I felt as if my life has blown through out the window. I found my ex was having an affair and of course first denied the whole thing, but the lady wanted to make sure that I knew so she decided to open sites to show pictures of them together and things took a nasty end. He become evil with me and it felt as if as I was fighting two monster without even understand the reasons to be treated in such cruel way… She stolen my ex and now she wants to still my boys! It won’t happen never ever…The lady has 2 daughters from her previous relationship and right now, she’s putting pressure on my ex to live the state where he grew up to go live with her and her daughters. My boys hate her for all the evil things she’s done to me and them. Well, imagine you all that she had the guts to send pictures of them together, cards and letters to my home address. She also had the guts to send me an email to say that whether I like or not, someday she will meet with my kids and that they’ll like her because she’s a good person and they’ll see that on their own. Hahahahahahahahaha! My sons’ thought she has some mental problemas and my older son that will be 19 years said many times that he doesn’t want and won’t ever meet with her or accept her as part of his life. I’ll let lime take his course and of course even though I’m hurt and hate to death this low selfsteam woman and this looser ex, I won’t ever encourage my son’s not to talk to their father, but knowing my older son as I know, I don’t think she’ll be ever that lucky in gaining if any or little respect from him for the way how she behaved. I blame both of them for what’s happening and I am going through hell right now trying to help my son’s to deal with their new life and to prepare both for the outcome of their father moving away to the eastcoast.
For you beerlove I must say: Hold your head high – you are the winner in this situation…
ladybug,
I feel your pain and my heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry you and your boys have to go through this. Yes, blame them both – they both had a hand in destroying lives. With time it will not hurt as bad as it does now.
Your OW (other woman) is a real piece of work. She sounds desperate. Your husband will figure her out one day – he will regret loses you and the kids. When that time comes you will have moved on. In time you may meet a wonderful man that will love your heart the way God intended for a man to love.
It’s amazing what a father teaches his kids about love and commitment – his legacy. Now it is your job alone to teach them that a real man would have never hurt his family like their father has!
God Bless,
BeerLove