Affair Recovery – Intervention and Protection Phases

Infidelity Overview – Intervention and Protection Phases

© Penny R. Tupy 2004

Introduction
Infidelity is a terrible tragedy that occurs in 60 to 80% of marriages in the US. That’s staggering. As high as it is, the figure presents an element of hope when we consider that just under 50% of marriages end in divorce; a good number of marriages hit with infidelity are healed and the couples moves beyond the pain and into recovery.

Infidelity is the number one presenting cause of marital crisis (and an undiscovered cause in many more marital crises). If we can help any of the involved partners take steps to end an affair and guide the couple through recovery, we can decrease the divorce rate, preserve families, and prevent the tragic effects of divorce on the children of our planet.

Infidelity is an addiction. It’s hard to keep that in mind when our society calls infidelity “love stories,” and glamorizes the betrayal of marriage vows. Nonetheless, infidelity is every bit as much an addiction as alcohol, drugs or gambling. New research by Helen Fisher (Why We Love 2004) discusses the addictive nature of romantic love – the very drive that keeps people caught in infidelity even when they express a desire to end an affair.

Our strategies for dealing with an affair are frequently counterintuitive. I often joke that I’m going to write a book called “Infidelity: If It Feels Wrong, Do It” for that very reason. When we consider infidelity as an addiction, we apply many of the strategies that the addiction recovery programs have used successfully for years. We’ve added some things, taken out some things and tweaked a few more. Our methods draw heavily on the work of Shirley Glass, PhD., Willard Harley, PhD., and the ‘tough love’ strategies of the seventies, along with the vast resources available throughout the addiction recovery community.

The following is written primarily for the betrayed partner, who is, perhaps, in the most difficult position of any of the people tied to the affair; he or she has no direct control over the relationship at all, and yet must take action if the marriage is to be saved. The straying partner and the affair partner have the straightforward, and heartwrenching, option facing the addiction head on and ending the affair completely.

The betrayed partner, on the other hand, must take very difficult and frightening steps once an affair is suspected or has been discovered. We call the first steps the Intervention Phase of Infidelity Defense and Management. Most spouses, when faced with a partner’s unfaithfulness, make mistakes. Their reactions are normal and to be expected, but if they hope to save their marriages and keep their families together, other steps are needed. The raw emotions and instincts of this traumatic time must be put on hold, and action is taken from a place of educated, rational, intellectual thought. That’s tough for someone whose world seems to be disintegrating. Most people need professional guidance to be able to take those actions well.

Most marriages facing infidelity follow a slow slide to divorce, aided and abetted by actions based on instincts and emotions that lead the betrayed partner astray. There is no guarantee that following my suggestions will save your marriage. I can guarantee that without intervention in the instinctual course of events, the marriage is almost certainly doomed.

 

 

Intervention Phase Steps and Timing for Each:

This Phase is aptly called Intervention because that is exactly what it is. When there is an affair the betrayed partner must intervene on two completely different fronts at the same time. And the actions that must be taken seem contradictory in nature unless one keeps in mind that the goal is to end the affair – not to make the straying mate’s life calm and pleasant.

Stop arguing and shouting and blaming and punishing. Although these feel good in the moment, they are counter productive. (Clients tell me all the time why they “needed” to retaliate against a straying spouse’s actions.) If you want your spouse to end his/her affair and come home then you need to look like someone they’d like to be with. Someone who’s ranting, yelling, screaming, and crying is not attractive.
Timing: Right now! If you cannot keep your emotions under control, find an anger support group or class.

Stop other objectionable behavior. What is it that your mate has complained about during your marriage? Stop doing it. No… they don’t justify having an affair, I’m not suggesting they do. I’m saying that in the best interest of your marriage those things are coming between you and they need to end.
Timing: Immediately

Do what you can to make your spouse’s life with you calm, pleasant and friendly. Some betrayed spouses make the mistake of going overboard (flowers, gifts, begging, hovering, smothering). That’s not attractive either. Maintain your own dignity. Be courteous, be warm and friendly, but don’t smother. A sad and sorry whimpering mess is not going entice your mate home. Quite the opposite.
Timing: Immediately

Confront your mate with what you know, how you know it, and how you feel. Confronting is not accusing, nor is it blaming or disrespectful. It is a factual statement about your suspicions, evidence, and feelings. It goes something like this, ”I know that you are spending a lot of time with/sleeping with/calling 15 times a day <use the name if you know it>. I found your cell records, saw you together, overheard you on the phone, intercepted an email (we need to talk about this before you share that piece of info), hired a PI, was told by _____. I am devastated and hurt beyond words. My world is in shambles, this will destroy our marriage. I want you to end all contact with this person and recommit to our marriage.
Timing: With the first suspicious indication and again with every one following it.

Expose the affair. This is one of the hardest things for me to convince people to do. And it is the one of the most essential moves you can make – if not the most essential. This is more important than all the things listed above. If you do those and ignore this you are enabling the affair by making it safe and easy. Affairs are addictions that flourish in the dark and hidden places. They are fantasies built on deceit – of both the exterior world and the inner consciousness of the participants. Often times it is only with exposure that affairs end.

Tell – Your family, your straying spouse’s family, your friends, his/her friends, your church family, the affair partner’s family, friends, and colleagues. Now, this is not an opportunity to bash your wayward mate or the affair partner. This is a plea for help. Here’s what you say, “ My spouse is having an affair with <use the name>. I love him/her. I want to save our marriage and keep our family together. Please encourage him or her to do the right thing, end this relationship and all contact with <affair partner> and recommit to our marriage.

It is of critical importance that you tell the spouse of the affair partner, if he or she is married. This is by far one of the quickest ways to end an affair in progress. And that is the goal of Intervention. No matter what other things you do to heal your marriage you are doomed to failure as long as the affair continues.

Often people tell me they just can’t take this step because it is “mean.” They forget to look past the immediate present and the instincts driving them to the larger picture. The Intervention Phase is not about making the straying mate feel good, it’s about Intervening in an affair in order to protect the marital union. To do that, the unfaithful partner is going to feel bad about the steps you need to take. It only makes sense – they are doing something that grievously endangers the marriage and you are trying to stop that process. If your spouse is having an affair they are caught in the web of addiction. It is up to you to step out of your comfort zone and take steps to protect the marriage from that sickness. This is not being “mean” it is honoring your commitment to your marriage. 
Timing: Immediately.

Confront the affair partner. I suggest you put this in an email or a letter so that you have proof of what is said and so that there is no risk that you lose your temper. This is what you say – nothing more – avoid all judgments or threats. “I know that you are involved with my spouse. I love him/her very much and want to save my marriage and keep my family together. Your relationship with him/her is not okay. It is coming between us and is making it impossible for us to heal our marriage. Please respect our marriage and end all contact with him/her forever.”

Probably the affair partner will laugh in your face, deny anything is going on, or threaten you with a lawsuit. More on that below. The goal is not to get them to end the affair – although it would be wonderful if he or she did – the goal is to rock the affair boat, let them both know that you know, and create conflict within their relationship. If they now spend their time together talking about how evil and horrible you are, that’s great! I don’t care what the unpleasant topic of conversation is about as long as it’s unpleasant. Much better than romantic dinners and trysts. Let their ugly sides come out to play. 
Timing: Immediately

Expect denial and lies. They are universal. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered someone whose spouse admitted to an affair the first time it was mentioned.

Expect extreme anger. I call it the “mushroom cloud reaction.” This is about addiction at work. It’s important to remember that when your spouse is accusing you of being insane, paranoid, controlling, destructive, etc. that they are engaging in an intimidation attempt to get you to back off. The steps of confronting and exposing pose a threat to the continued life of the addiction. Almost any addict will react with extreme defensiveness, anger, and blame. You need to remain strong (and calm!) in the face of this anger. Unlike the deep and real anger that occurs with truly wrongful acts, the anger that you see when an addiction is threatened burns out pretty quickly.

Expect threats. These range from I’m leaving and never coming back, to I’m going to take the children, kick you out of the house and leave you in ruin. Threats regarding children need to be given careful consideration, but I suggest waiting a day or so before panicking and running to an attorney. If violence is threatened or real call 911 and have your spouse removed. It’s a sobering event. (And no, that’s not “mean” either.) Most of the time, the anger burns off quickly and the threats are never carried out. If your spouse does file for divorce, don’t panic! It’s not the end of the world, or the marriage, You have plenty of time to respond. Be sure to get good advice on what to ask before hiring an attorney and on marriage saving strategies should you become embroiled in that process. (Your attorney is not trained in keeping marriages together, rely on him or her for legal advice not for marriage friendly advice.) It is optimal if you can get your Coach and your attorney to work together on strategy.

A fairly common threat that seems to be gaining in popularity is the threat that you will be sued for harassment because you contacted the affair partner. A couple of thoughts on that. First – your spouse cannot file a restraining order preventing you from contacting someone else. The person in question needs to petition for such an order and they need to show cause. 
Second – a letter politely asking someone to remove themselves from your marriage is not harassment. (That’s why you put it in writing) Look at it this way– If your neighbor’s dog was coming over and ripping up your flower beds, and you sent a polite letter that said, “Your dog has been here tearing apart my flower beds every day for the last week. I really like these flowers, I spend a lot of time working in the beds. Please do what is necessary to keep Rex home,” no one in their right mind would call that harassment. This threat is nothing more than an intimidation attempt to force you to stop threatening the addiction.
Timing : Constant

Get support from someone who is educated about marriage and infidelity and who is an advocate for your marriage.
Timing: Immediately

Note that all these steps are designated as immediate in terms of timing. The most effective interventions include taking these steps as close to simultaneously as possible. Yes, I know it feels wrong. If you rely on your feelings when you try to save a marriage threatened by infidelity, you’re almost certain to become one more number in the endless stream of divorce cases filed each year. Instead, you must face the inner fears that drive your instincts and act with courage you may not feel and don’t know where to find.

The longer you allow the affair to exist unchecked, the more it takes root. Much like the weeds in my garden — if they’re not ferreted out as soon as possible, they become next to impossible to budge. And, like the weeds in my garden, an affair becomes part of the accepted landscape. If you do not expose the affair and it comes to light slowly you lose the advantage of the disapproval factor. Friends and family may be shocked to see your mate with someone else at first but if they are like most people, they will reluctantly buy into the lie of the fairy tale love if that is the story they hear. Be proactive! Expose. Don’t allow our natural apathy to blanket the affair from conflict.

Saving your marriage is not about being nice – being nice is easy. Saving your marriage is about standing firm against the onslaught of addiction which threatens to suck you in chew you up and spit you out. Even and especially when to do so takes you far outside your own comfort zone. Staying in your comfort zone helped you get to this place: if you want out you’ll need to stretch those boundaries. Painful? Yes, very. But what’s the alternative?

Things your spouse will say as part of the addiction and which you need to disregard:

• It’s over. There is no hope of saving the marriage.
• I never loved you. I only married you because…
• It’s not about <affair partner> it’s about wanting out.
• Even if he or she was not part of the picture there would be no hope.
• You made me do this, it’s your fault.
• Nothing you can do can change my mind.
• I could never feel anything for you again.
• She/he is my soulmate.

Other myths – these are dangerous to believe:

• The children will be fine, they get over these things.
• I’ll give you everything if you agree to a quick divorce
• I’ll take everything and you’ll be destitute if you don’t give me a quick divorce
• The affair is over and we’re just friends.
• The affair is over and we can still work together

Protection Phase – what to do when your efforts at Intervention have failed.

The Protection Phase is so called because it has multiple layers of protection all aimed at on thing, protecting the marriage. First we need to protect the betrayed partner from the continued pain of dealing with the affair. Beyond that, because the saving the marriage is our goal, we need to protect the straying partner from the inevitable backlash of anger and disrespect his or her mate will show as the affair wears on. We might all agree that the wayward spouse is in the wrong but if the goal is to save the marriage and not exact vengeance then we need to put aside our emotional reactions and keep that at the forefront of our minds. In Protection Phase we protect the marriage by separating and buffering the spouses thus preventing them from wreaking more damage by their continued attacks on each other.

Many times, in spite of best efforts and lots of support from family, friends and professionals, the best planned and executed Intervention Phase fails to halt the affair. It probably causes plenty of conflict and confusion for the affair partners, but the addiction is often so strong that they won’t break it off even when they are obviously hurting and unhappy. This is when we need to look at moving from Intervention, where you are actively faced with the affair, to Protection. And like much of the Intervention Phase, this too is counterintuitive. Next to exposure, this is the thing I have the hardest time convincing betrayed husbands and wives to do, and again one of the most crucial.

When an affair is discovered, there is usually a rush of energy and determination to do whatever it takes to ride it out and mend the marriage once it ends. But as the weeks turn to months, that energy is rapidly depleted by the sheer terror and pain of seeing your spouse in love with someone else. Your determination rapidly begins to wane and you become the greater threat to the marriage. As your emotions are bombarded day after day with the cruelty and thoughtlessness inherent in an addiction you begin to lose your love for your spouse. Worse, you find that you have moments of pure hatred when you see how he or she puts the lover ahead of the well being of your children and is willing to throw away your financial security for this interloper. The day will come, all too soon, when you decide that you’re done and that even if your spouse came to you begging for reconciliation you have lost all respect for him or her and would not consider the possibility. In the interest of your marriage, your children and yes, yourself, you need to be protected from getting to this place.

Unlike the Intervention Phase, it’s pretty straightforward, but people fight it kicking and screaming. Intervention Phase is just this: Separate entirely from your spouse. Have no contact between the two of you. None.

Yes, I know this is very difficult if you have children. One of the things we do for people at SYMC is to provide them with email intermediaries to handle emergencies along with the essential flow of information regarding children and their schedules.

When you initiate this separation you need to make an explicit statement about your commitment to the marriage and hope for reconciliation. You also need to spell out that you are not willing to continue in a relationship under these conditions but would be happy to discuss the future as soon as the affair is over.

When do you do this? As soon as you first start to feel overwhelmed with the pain of the affair. This is no time for heroics. Living too long with the pain will set into motion the conditions which will make you the threat to the marriage. For women this can be as soon as one week. Certainly not longer than 12 weeks. For men up to 6 months.

If your spouse has left the home and is living with the affair partner or on his/her own it’s most likely time. Get professional guidance from someone who specializes in infidelity management.

The Protection Phase is the time to focus on you and on getting a life. You get to do everything except date and file for divorce. Go out with your friends (same sex, advocates of your marriage), join a club, take up a new hobby…. This is the time to detach from the pain of the affair. The time to put the marriage on the back burner and to take care of yourself and your children.

The affair will most likely end, just like 90 to 95% of all affairs do. If you did the right things in the Intervention Phase, it will end sooner. When that happens, you need to be strong and healthy if you are going to be able to work through the Reconciliation and Recovery Phases.