No-Contact-Letter
No Contact Letter to the affair partner
Once the affair has come to light there must be proper closure to the affair. An agreement must be made between that all contact must end between the Wayward Spouse and the Affair Partner and it must be permanent. There are no if’s, and’s or but’s on this one. This MUST be done for there to be any healing in the marriage. The Wayward Spouse must commit to the No Contact Agreement. Every time the Agreement has been broken the Wayward Spouse must tell the Betrayed Spouse about it as soon as possible. Even if it wasn’t them that broke it, any contact whatsoever should be told immediately. This will build some trust back up in your marriage if this is done every time.
Writing a No Contact Letter to the Affair Partner is the best way to end the affair. This way everything that needs to be said can be with no interruptions and without adding or saying anything you don’t want said. Doing it over the phone or by email allows things to open back up for the OP to respond…and that’s what you are clearly trying to avoid.
It should be written in the Wayward Spouse’s own handwriting. It really should be sent certified. Remember, this isn’t a “goodbye forever love letter” but it’s really stating that the affair is over, it was wrong, you were selfish, you love your spouse and family very much and you want to make your marriage work and that you’ll be fighting and working on saving your marriage. You should also state how much you have hurt your spouse and how you are going to spend the rest of your life making it up to them.
You also state how you no longer EVER want the affair partner to contact you in ANY way, shape or form. If the Wayward Spouse does this just for his/her spouse and continues contact with the Affair Partner, then the Affair Partner won’t take the No Contact Letter seriously. It also might not be taken seriously by the Affair Partner if the Wayward Spouse has tried numerous times to break it off with the Affair Partner only to come back time and time again. So, the Wayward Spouse must stand firm and continually tell the Affair Partner how much he loves his wife and wants to work on their marriage.
If you get continued contact the best defense is to IGNORE ALL CONTACT!! The Affair Partner thinks that if they can’t just get the Wayward Spouse to talk to them then the affair will continue on.
After the Wayward Spouse has finished the No Contact Letter, the Betrayed Spouse should read it, if it wasn’t written together. There should be nothing in the letter hinting about missing the Affair Partner, and that the letter doesn’t mean anything, etc.
Here is an example of a No Contact Letter:
Dear [put name here],The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I’ve caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband/wife that he/she deserves.
Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.
Sincerely,
[name here]
©Marriage For Life Coaching Services , 2007
What a GREAT no contact letter…
My husband who had an affair “ended” it with a no contact letter that was a joke, full of ambiguities & open ends to let his affair partner back in. It lacked any reference to permanance that was badly needed by me, (i.e. I will see you again when the conditions are right, the gods will it, etc.) and there was no mention of love for me.
He “sneaked” the letter off to her after he wrote it without showing it to me, and then presented it to me as his “proof” of the affair being over.
I don’t know why he did this because it just made me feel worse, since it cannot be “corrected” once a goodbye letter is sent asking someone not to contact.
Wish he would have sent something as uncontrivertable as this was. My healing will certainly be retarded because of what he chose to write & send her instead of a note this concise & unambiguous.
I hope any lady who is in my position who has a husband trying to end an affair will print this out & show it to their husband so you don’t end up in my boat STILL wondering if it is REALLY over! — H.P., Oregon
It is cruel what a wayward spouse can do the betrayed spouse. They gave us lies, deceit, and betrayal – no choice – and we pay for their sins.
Follow your gut always. It is only over if he never speaks to IT ever again – only. Any contact of any kind is still having an affair. They are not friends – period! She is not a friend to your marriage – ever period. Your husband, like mine, should be ashamed of themselves.
If he has told he loves her. Ask him to defend love. Love never involves lies, deceit, and betrayal – affairs do though and what it is an addiction – NEVER EVER LOVE. My husband knows that he loved the addiction and he has told me that she could have been anyone. He traded down with her – she was BUTT UGLY TOO!! I have had other people tell me that work with her that she is not pretty as well, so it doesn’t just come from my husband. Beauty has nothing to do with it – she was willing (a co-conspirator) and so was he!!
We all have our crosses to carry! I pray strength to you and your husband!