Re-Writing Marriage History!!

This is so uncanny for me – I went through so much of this with my husband!! It is amazing – this is truly a manual for all waywards!!  I’ve read so many stories of other people experiences with the trauma of infidelity and these written words ring so true for so many of us!!

Article by Martha Edwards

Well, it happened. And it’s true. Your partner has been unfaithful and your world is spinning. You don’t know where to turn, what to say, what to do. Understandably, your emotions are ranging from pure disbelief to barely containable rage. It seems difficult to get a grip on your emotions and nearly impossible to coordinate your thoughts into an action plan. It’s my intent to offer you some support and guidance through this difficult period.

I don’t have all the answers nor do the therapists. In fact, each individual case is exactly that, individual, and should be treated as such. There are many variables in relationships that make each unique and many factors can lead to an affair. But there are also many many areas of common ground. Therefore, the following guidelines are intended to help you when first faced with the facts of infidelity. These techniques have been recommended by therapists and betrayed partners alike, myself included. Just please remember, there isn’t a “one size fits all” approach and each situation is unique and should be treated as such.

With that being said, however, you would be amazed at how many similarities there are regarding the wayward partners. There seems to be a “Cheater’s Manual” out there somewhere that all wayward’s read. This is to the betrayed partner’s benefit as it gives a good indication of what has already happened and what’s yet to come. The following guidelines are based on these similarities and I hope you find them beneficial.

1) Don’t try to make sense out of nonsense -
Unless you’re one of the rare individuals whose partner confessed, chances are you had to play detective to prove what you thought you knew all along. Or, at the very least, you intercepted the secret text or phone message. If this is the case, why on earth would you expect to be dealing with anything except nonsense from the person who put you in this situation to begin with? Your partner may seem to be acting very strange to you, almost as if they are in a “fog.” Remember, you’re not dealing with someone thinking rationally. Their brains don’t seem to be functioning properly which is confusing to you. What should you do?

2) Keep your eyes and ears open but your mouth shut -
As difficult as it is to do, it is important to say as little as possible, but keep an eye on everything going on. If you tip your hand now, your wayward will most likely go even further underground and at that point, it can be almost impossible (or extremely costly) to get the proof you need. And trust me, you will begin to get drilled about how you found out, who all knows, etc. Mouth shut!
Also, it is vital to remain as calm as possible. Confront your partner but expect lies and denials. It’s in the handbook! Be firm in your resolve and let them know that you are aware of the infidelity but remain as calm as you can and refuse to argue with them, even if it means walking away. This accomplishes a few goals. First, they want you to get upset and act crazy so they can pin this as the reason they cheated. Second, it helps you keep a level head. And although no one really wants to think this far down the line yet, it will come in very handy if you end up in divorce court as every action you make will be reviewed by a judge and you want to look your absolute best at all times to the courts.

3) Take time -
Realistically, there is little, if anything, you can do to stop the affair. You have no control over them but you can control yourself and you MUST. There are methods that can be implemented to try and speed up the ending of the affair, but not yet. It is vital to your own well being that you take the time necessary to regain your own bearings. It’s next to impossible to fix your relationship when you feel so broken. Time. You need time for your own comprehension and healing.

4) Spy and snoop if you need to -
Spying can be necessary to find out what’s really happening. Afterall, it’s not likely your wayward partner is going to suddenly turn into a fountain that spills forth nothing but truth. Be warned that your partner will likely unleash angrily on you and try and make you feel guilty for spying. Chalk it up to the fog! If spying is disrespectful, what would you call infidelity? If you’re really feeling “cheeky,” you can classify your snooping as “affair research” and see how they like that answer!

5) Keep checking -
Upon seeing how devastating the affair is for you, the wayward partner may show signs of remorse and claim to have ended the affair. Rarely does this happen on the first try. The wayward’s emotions are now just as mixed up as yours and they have a tendency to waver back and forth as much as you will let them. They don’t want to upset any member of the triangle (them, you, affair partner). Remember, cheaters lie and liars cheat. Believe nothing that you have not personally witnessed or verified.

6) Don’t blame yourself -
You may be partly responsible for the negatives in your relationship but you DID NOT cause the affair. If that were the case, since you are also in the same relationship as the wayward, wouldn’t YOU also be having an affair? You were not responsible for your partner’s decision to cheat no matter how hard they try to convince you of your guilt. And try they will! Now is the time they pull out their entire arsenal to attack you with, including rewriting your entire marital history. Events you remember happening one way are suddenly given a new twist by the wayward, making you doubt your own memory. Fear not…it’s in the handbook! Why do they do this? In an attempt to shift blame, lessen their guilt, and justify their actions. To them, it sure beats looking in the mirror.

7) Don’t expect too much from your wayward partner -
They are as mixed up as you are and probably don’t know what to do either. Even though they are the ones that created the mess, they usually haven’t thought far enough along to know how to handle the aftermath. Try and focus on you, not them. Take a proactive stance and convey to your partner what you think is acceptable behavior. Try your best to be respectful but never, never, never beg, plead or appear needy. Stand tall before your wayward partner with grace and dignity. It leaves a much better impression.

Seek advice -
Therapy – You are now a prime candidate for depression. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to seek medical help if you are having difficulty coping. Chances are, this is one of the worst experiences of your life and it’s nothing that should be handled alone. Find a doctor and/or therapist you are compatible with and enlist their guidance with your healing process.

Legal – I would advise you to speak with an attorney if you are in the least bit contemplating divorce. Laws vary from state to state so it’s always advisable to seek expert advice. A fair number of attorneys offer a free initial consultation so use it. It may help ease your mind to get your questions answered and know what you’re up against. If you have children or a large number of assets, this can be especially recommended.

Medical – Besides the therapy mentioned above, make an appointment with your medical doctor to discuss issues such as STDs or other health concerns you might have. Infidelity effects much more than than you would expect. A complete physical is also a very good idea.

Family and friends – Most everyone who finds out about the affair will suddenly turn into an armchair shrink and tell you to immediately throw them out. Afterall, they explain, that’s exactly what they would do. Until it’s them. Then things suddenly become different. No one can truly know how they will react in any situation until it happens to them. Remember that. I would recommend selecting your few closest friends and use them as your main support team.
Also, don’t try to recruit anyone to talk sense into your partner. It’s likely to backfire and have the opposite effect of what is intended. Your wayward partner is probably still in “the fog” and nothing anyone says or does will matter. It may even end up causing hard feelings instead.

9) If the other person involved with your partner is married or in a committed relationship, tell their partner. Do everything you can to find this person and inform them. They deserve to know, just as you do. The added pressure this person will naturally apply has it’s benefits. Talk about getting it from both sides! Remove the secrecy and many affairs will fizzle, not flourish.

10) Take care of you
Do what’s necessary to take care of yourself. If you don’t get the proper rest and nutrition, your body and brain will not function properly and you will make mistakes that may end up costing you. Don’t be afraid to let your emotions go. They are your internal guidance system so use them. If you feel like crying, cry. Don’t try and suppress your emotions but rather feel them and release them. If you can, taking time off from work for a bit can be very beneficial too. Focus on you as much as possible right now. You deserve it. And you’re certainly more than worth it.